Tender is the Raver
Parents that Write #33 Q&A with Matt Buccelli
Welcome to Parents That Write.
Parent writers, artists, and creators are more than just their ‘chaos’. We’re publishing books, dropping albums, optioning screenplays, and making magic every day.
HOW DO THEY DO IT? That's what we're here to find out. Each week, my guests tackle eight quick-fire questions, plus a few wildcards. But first, a peek into my own creative life:
No-Fluff Notes from my Writing Life
These past few weeks, I’ve been neck-deep in consulting work and the kind of writing that doesn’t exactly make your soul cartwheel1. Every morning I’ve thought:
Behind the scenes though, a different story’s been brewing.
I’ve got essays coming your way. Big ones. Here’s a taste:
💥 “The Extra-Weird Work of Women’s Friendships”, where I coin the term Sisterlifting. This one lands Sunday, and I have a hunch you’ll want to read it.
💥 An essay on “The Fine Art of Being a Glorious Disappointment” with a knickerless anecdote, so the easily scandalised might want to avert their gaze.
💥 And yes, Part II of When Mothers Have Sex is in motion. I asked for fantasies, and let’s just say, they delivered. Think Meg Ryan’s diner scene. Working title? “I’ll Have What She’s Having.”
💥 If your vibe is more practical than pelvic, I’ve also pulled together How to Get on a Podcast Without Being Famous. Because there’s power in being unknown, IF you know how to pitch use it. Coming soon.
I’m thrilled and grateful you’re here. These columns have been a slow, deliberate way to share the work behind the work. And truly, I’ve got enough ideas to make a child-in-a-sweetie-shop look sedated.
Next week, I’ll bring you , who’s a firecracker of a talented minx, but that’s all I’ll say for now. First, let’s meet this week’s guest: , who answered a question no one else dared to touch!
Matt writes a publication dedicated to helping parents discover, support, and become inspired by other parents pursuing creative passions amidst the day-to-day rollercoaster fun of family life.
Share a broad snapshot of your life. Who are you parent to and/or have caring responsibilities for?
I'm a creative strategist and father of two young kids, ages 4 and 2. I'm originally American but have been living in Germany for almost 10 years, both in the BC (Before Children) times and now with my family.
My partner and I have what you could describe as a fairly normative heterosexual co-parenting relationship. We strive for 50/50 in the home, and that's how I would describe us on the functional stuff: meals, pickups, bedtimes, chores and the like. I'll be the first to admit that I am forever striving to catch up to her on the less visible stuff: birthday gifts, weekend planning, appointments and keeping our cleaning supplies fully stocked (among many other things!).
We don't have grandparents living super close, but we do benefit from frequent visits, as well as high-quality, ridiculously affordable childcare. I think about how overwhelmed my partner and I *still* often feel as parents of small kids despite all of these supports that are in place in our lives, and it makes me reflect on how what we have here in Germany should be the bare minimum in any "advanced" nation. On the other hand, it's a reminder that what we're all doing is actually really hard, and that this is as good a push as any to reflect on that about be open about it.
My publication Creative Parenting Club tries to tap into this space by connecting creatively-minded parents through the ups and downs of raising a family while trying to pursue a creative life. It's one of many professional projects that keeps me busy every week, and it's been a joy to connect with other creative parents here on Substack and elsewhere.
Where can we find you?
Here’s the Creative Parenting Club Substack and my co-founder and I also run an event series here in Berlin where we organize electronic music parties for families.
Can you share favourite praise for your writing?
I always freeze up in these moments and can never think of what to share. I clearly need to start keeping a testimonial log!
One of our readers left a comment on one of our posts recently which I appreciated: "Thank you for sharing this — it felt like a warm hug and a gentle nudge to keep building that village, one connection at a time."
Even in the best circumstances, parenting can feel so isolating at times, and for us one of the core purposes of our publication is to connect and inspire creative parents and ideally make us all feel less like we're going it alone. So when I read these types of comments it gives me a lot of motivation and makes me really feel confidence in what we are doing.
Why do you write?
This might sound super vain but, I write so that I can read what I've written. I know a lot of writers who find joy in the actual writing process. Not so for me: I'm a writer who actually doesn't really like it when I have to sit down and write. Maybe it's the dopamine hit I get from seeing something when it's done, I don't know.
I've always been a journaler and someone who processes important moments and feelings in my life through writing. So there's something about seeing it on the page and seeing it out in the world that makes me feel like I've expressed a feeling that I need to express.
What does the inside of your writing mind look like?
Cluttered and desperate. Haha. But then also the highest of highs after I can finally put the right words to a moment or feeling that was important to me.
How is your ability to write affected by being a parent and your ability to parent affected by your writing?
[Imagine an involuntary and uncontrollable laugh]. On the one hand, it's like everything else: harder than ever to find the time, harder than ever to focus (at least for me).
On the other hand, I actually think if you compared the almost 5 years since I became a parent with the 5 years before that, my writing output is probably almost the same. It's been a matter of knowing that this is something that's important to me, and making it a priority.
I love the second part of your question because that's the side of this that I a) don't reckon with enough; but also b) it's where I definitely feel the most guilt. When I'm in focus mode and trying to finish something, I have a really hard time dealing with interruptions and all of those little micro-irritations that every parent is familiar with. When I'm at my best, I'm able to summon a great deal of patience for that kind of thing, and it's often during those hard moments when I feel the most good about myself as a parent. But when I'm trying to finish work and I feel like I can't do it because there's 1000 other things going on around me, that's when I can become a bit prickly and not the most fun to be around.
On my worst days, it makes me question whether it's even possible to be a good parent and also an ambitious creative person, which obviously isn't true. But it's working through that tension which always leads me to the most important reflections.
How often do you write with your child around or not, and what kind of writing do you get done when your child is nearby?
My kids are getting a bit older now, old enough that they can play in the house on their own for stretches and we don't feel like we need to be on top of them as much as we were in the first couple years. So that's when I often sit down to try and get small little pockets done, especially when I'm solo parenting.
I also do a lot of writing while they're in daycare, but I have to juggle client work and other non-writing projects, so it's not always possible to devote long stretches of my childfree time to writing.
In my case, a lot of my publication is publishing and editorial work, so I try and optimize for which work happens when. Editing for me is typically a breeze, so that's easier to do when the kids are around. Writing requires a lot more of my focus, so that's better when the kids are not in the house.
What is your best writing habit?
I've juggled a lot of different hacks for years and to be honest I've never really found a good one that I can stick to. But for awhile (in the BC times and then when we still only had one kid) I was getting up early and writing for 30 minutes before anyone else was awake.
Our younger one gets up pretty much every day between 6-7am, and I have never been a morning person, so full disclosure I haven't successfully done this habit in almost 3 years since having our second. But one day I hope to get back to it because I can see how it's possible to make some really powerful gains especially from having that level of routine.
What are the three most important characteristics of being a writer who is a parent?
I'm still working on this for myself, because there are so many more things that I want to write than I feel I currently have time (or am making time) for. But from what I see from other parents whose writing I admire:
➡️ The ability to process really hard and complex emotions through self-expression
➡️ The ability to stay true to one's creative self even while juggling more responsibility than ever
➡️ The ability to document this incredibly intense and beautiful time in our livesGoing easy on yourself (if you don't write much/have a day where it's all a mess)
What or who is your secret writing weapon?
My father. He passed away when I was 13 but I'm lucky that he left behind a lot of paper. Some published work in the form of opinion articles and editorials and the like (he was a school headmaster and local education thought leader). But mostly notes and letters from his file cabinet as well as creative writing that he did when he was older. His written words have been the main way that I've been able to get to know him as I've gotten older.
One of the things that everyone finds out when we become adults is that our parents are no longer demi-gods but also ordinary human beings just like everyone else. If we're lucky, we form adult bonds with them and those can be really special, more special even than the bond when we are kids.
I obviously didn't get that chance with my dad. So the fact that I've been able to make up for it to some degree through his writing is a big part of why I've always felt so motivated to document what's going on in my mind.
What or who has been the most significant creative influence in your life?
I could go in so many different directions with this. In terms of writing style - I really appreciate prose that's capable of saying a lot while saying very little. For this reason I've always gravitated toward writers like Hemingway, Kurt Vonnegut, and more recently Christopher Isherwood. In terms of more modern names, Dave Eggers and Mohsin Hamid.
I'm a historian by degree and so I also take a lot of inspiration from history writers who can narrate concisely. Yuval Noah Harari is really good at this. Travellers in the Third Reich by Julia Boyd is one of the best history books I have ever read, partly for this reason.
What are your coping tactics for being (constantly) interrupted in your thought process?
Apple Notes and too much "powering through". Can anyone suggest a good system? *Asking for a friend*
What unfinished writing projects do you have lying about?
A few years ago I wrote a detailed outline for a novel that I still hope to put together one day. That's probably the main one.
If you could have a conversation with any writer throughout history (who was also a parent) about their writing routine and creative process, who would that person be, and why?
Earlier this year I wrote about how in A Moveable Feast we learn that Hemingway and his wife at the time were actually young parents even as they were both living this bohemian lifestyle in Paris in the early 20s. This was actually before he'd published any of his own work, back when he was earning most of his money from being a newspaper correspondent. And he and his wife were parenting a young baby/toddler at the time. Given the gender norms of 100 years ago, I'm sure most of the parenting weight was falling on his partner, but she was also a creatively active person and there are a lot of passages in A Moveable Feast that make me think that Hemingway himself was pretty engaged as a young father for that time as well.
Like many sources of creative inspiration, Hemingway was a highly flawed and imperfect individual. But I'd love to talk to him about what it was like in those early years, and how he was able to get his earliest works that put him on the map over the finish line
PARENTS WHO THINK (AND CREATE) COME MEET IN THE COMMENTS 👇🏻
Finish the sentence:“This week, the thing that saved me was _________.”
Could be a sandwich. Could be a tiny moment of being left alone long enough to think one complete thought.
Mine, so far this week? I organised my kid’s sock drawer like a French hotel minibar while listening to ‘s audiobook “All Fours”.
Until next time.
📝 If you’re in the Parents Who Think Chat space, you’ll know I’ve been submerged in a DLA renewal for one of my triplets. This kid deserves the full force of my advocacy, so I gave it. The final submission? An 87-page bundle. For those navigating similar systems: I see you. It’s a gargantuan task, and it shouldn’t be. But we do it anyway. Because our children need us to.
 | A guest post by
|
What a pleasure! Thanks for welcoming me.
Loved that, thanks for sharing! Is it possible to be both, that is the question? I think the way the lines blur between the Self (who is trying to create) and the Little Other (who is trying to get you to play firetrucks) is the struggle, as the Self no longer can be satieted because the Other is never, ever satiated. And never sleeps enough. Thanks to you both for engaging with this topic, I haven't come across conversations about it anywhere else.
"This week, the thing that saved me was. . ." the ability to hold quiet at work so I can come home and still have something left to give to my family. Introverted creatives working with teenagers, I have learned, need to be able to save something in the tank for later. Then falling asleep at 9 smooshed between my kids, knowing they get a lot just from being next to me, even if we aren't talking.