Haters: The 3 Dark Secrets they Don't Want You to Know

THIS JUST IN: the one where you meet some stalkers

Our internet rewrote rules, and turned everything into a stage where real and fake blur in seconds.

Is social media your deep connection fix, or a tool to hustle for your next break? Is it where you unleash creativity, or where you polish up the perfect version of you, vulnerabilities included?

Be honest - can any of us scroll without feeling the pull to perform, even just a little?

If you’re out there doing something that matters, you’re bound to attract haters. 

Before toxic nonsense gets under your skin, let’s get something straight: haters aren’t worth the breath it takes to tell them to skedaddle. 

Ann Friedman’s "Haters" category in her Disapproval Matrix gives us a framework for understanding trolls.

Ann Friedman

Haters do not offer valuable feedback; they spew venom from the safety of their anonymous keyboards. 

NOTICE these three dark secrets: 

1. Haters Are Fans Gone Bitter

Haters are fans who didn’t get what they wanted. Maybe they admired you once, but somewhere along the line, that admiration turned sour. The more you succeed, the more it burns them up inside. Every snide comment they make is just another way of saying, “I wish I could do what you’re doing, but since I can’t, I’m going to tear you down instead.”

Take, for example, my own experience with a scorned man who leaves me negative reviews anywhere he can, using different aliases¹. We met on one date for all of an hour.

I was un-attracted to his plaid Esprit jacket, thick dandruff on his shoulders, and monologue about his ex and their split. The barman summed it up best with, “It’s now or never” as we watched him make his way to the men’s loo.

I took this support as a sign.

And made a French Exit².

Apparently, my date saw our encounter as the beginning of something special. His trolling is obsession vengeance, a sad attempt to reclaim the narrative. He doesn’t hate me because I’m doing something wrong - but because I’m doing well without him. 

And it’s not just men; women can be just as vicious.

“What’s most fascinating is that the online hate has always been from other women. As I’ve grown through the initial shocks, I now see it the other way around: how powerful to continue to show up gracefully as an example of success for other women despite attempts to be torn down.” - -

Elin Petronella

Elin highlights a harsh reality: when you shine, not everyone will celebrate your light, some will resent it.

But true power lies in continuing to show up, to succeed, despite attempts to dim your brilliance.

Side-note: successful people don’t need to name names³. Why would they? When you’re confident in your own achievements, you don’t need to drag others down to feel good about yourself.

2. Haters Hunger for Attention

Haters are like toddlers having a tantrum - they’re loud, and desperate for the spotlight. They don’t care about meaningful discussion; they want to be noticed. The best way to deal with them is to not engage.

Take, for example, subscriber Gemma’s recent comment to me here on Substack:

She questions my integrity and success under the guise of constructive criticism.

Oh Gemma. If only you asked for a quick chat with my accountant, all this would have been cleared up. I can connect you to review accounting structures.

Taking one piece of information in isolation gives a skewed view. Gemma’s grasp of the picture is flimsy.

“Being stupid means avoiding thinking by jumping to conclusions.”  - - Derek Sivers

And that’s exactly what haters do - jump to conclusions without considering the full scope.

It’s undeniable we all hold different definitions of what it means to be "very profitable."

For some, it’s about paying school fees for several children⁴; for others, it’s about having enough ‘profit’ to keep tummies fed and the house warm.

And here’s a fact: only 18% of small businesses in the UK are run by women. Combine that with the fact that approximately 11% of businesses fail each year, and you’ll see why my 20+years-old business that supports a family and provides income for associates is, in my eyes, profitable.

Let’s not gloss over the real issue here: Gemma projects her own definition of success onto me, and finds me wanting.

Accomplishments are measured externally, but our ideas regarding our success have to be our own.

This isn’t just about numbers on a spreadsheet; it’s about societal expectations.

There’s no perfect or acceptable way to describe business success, as a woman, unless it’s self-deprecating. If we downplay our achievements, we’re seen as humble but not taken seriously. If we’re confident in our success, suddenly we’re arrogant or worse, a fraud. < - - more on this.

3. Haters Are in the Cheap Seats

The loudest critics are always the ones who’ve never stepped foot in the arena. These haters sit in the cheap seats, far removed from where the real action happens, and they feel entitled to judge those who are out there actually doing the work. 

“There are a million cheap seats in the world today filled with people who will never be brave with their own lives, but will spend every ounce of energy they have hurling advice and judgment at those of us trying to dare greatly.” - - Brene Brown

For fun, let’s cut to the worst-case scenario. Imagine, that I am exactly what Gemma accuses me of being: an out-and-out fraud. That I daydream about boardrooms but never step foot in them. Imagine, I have the audacity to claim I’m a successful consultant running a very profitable business, when in reality, it’s all a lie. What if that were true? That I’m a fiction, a fake, a liar - a pathetic fantasy, a damaged delusion, a tired old trope.

Here’s where it gets interesting: before hurling that unwarranted hate, take a closer look at what’s really going on with haters.

Why do they find it so easy to spread lies and fuel hate? What makes them sure of their accusations?

An antidote to hate is love, humour helps too

Haters might do well to take a look in the mirror.

• Where in life do they present a hyperbole of who they really are?

• Filters that don’t match reality?

• A pretend happy marriage?

• Children who are all "hunky-dory," except the one who isn’t?

• Secrets tucked behind veneer of being an "ordinary nice person"?

• Failures erased, imperfections airbrushed out?

Here’s the nub: haters project their own insecurities and doubts onto others. When they can’t be sure of their own success or worth, they lash out at those who walk their path with confidence.

It’s easier to attack someone else than to confront the discomfort of their own shortcomings. 

When someone is sure of their hate, there’s often something deeper at play. Haters don’t just want to see others fail; they cover up their own deep fear of inadequacy.

To sum up: when women go high, haters go low. They do anything to drag us down to their level; as self-styled vigilantes of truth and order.

They believe it’s their duty to “call out” those who dare to rise, and those who don’t fit their view of what success should look like.

Truth or BS? We must challenge ourselves to see goodness in all people, even when this is hard, and especially when they do not see ours.

Look, I have my share of haters - those who try to tear me down, question my success, or project their insecurities onto me.

I’m not going to pretend that having haters is not stressful, or that I don’t spend time with my inner circle getting steadied. We get hit with enough of the false ‘it’s all so easy’ doctrine.

But what haters don’t get is this: their hate is a fuel⁵. Snarky comments, attempts to discredit me? It only makes me stronger, more determined, and laser-focused on my path. 

If the haters aren’t throwing shade, are you shining bright enough?

Because if you’re doing something worth talking about, you’re going to ruffle feathers. Criticism is the universe’s way of confirming you’re on the right track.

I figured out early that the louder they talk, the more threatened they feel.

To Gemma, The Bad Guy and anyone else in the cheap seats: while you’re busy hiding behind your critiques, I’m out here running my business and mothering, as best as I can - on my terms.

Let’s be honest - this is for EVERY ONE OF US out here doing the brave things. Keeping a roof over our kids, caregiving our loved ones, sharing our stories. AND STILL STANDING. 

Remember, we are all human. If you think anyone online is untouched by the hate they get, it’s time to face this: we feel it, but we keep moving on forward. And that’s what makes someone a true success.

As always, the comment section is open if you want to share your own experiences and how you deal with online life, and haters! If you’re not inspiring envy and criticism, you’re probably not doing anything worth noticing? Brutal or spot on? Let’s get chatting! 

Till next time,

1. He warned me he'd take action. Man of his word. His current alias is The Bad Guy.

2. French Exit: a departure from a location or event without informing others or without seeking approval.

3. Unless it needs to involve the Police.

4. I no longer pay school fees for five children. My youngest are home educated. (cue: more hate mail, 🧮)

5. Haters feedback is data. It consists of both signal and noise. It’s possible even the most repugnant feedback brings signal - valuable information that is an opportunity to grow. The key with haters feedback is filtering out the noise so the signal is not missed. Unless it is evil.