Raise your hand if you’d rather gag than brag

WARNING: this post may contain troubling reference to highly inappropriate levels of modesty

Image: Jenni Holma

Are you living a life where you can scream your wins from the rooftops? Share every triumph, from the minuscule to the monumental, without batting an eye? Is this your everyday, with everyone, no exceptions? 

If not, it’s probably because society’s got you in a chokehold, living a life that’s not really yours (but it sure looks convincing)

We’ve been trained since birth to shrink ourselves, to stay quiet about our successes - unless it’s about serving others, like being a mother or a partner. Even then, it’s about what we do for them, not who we are or what we achieve on our own.

Here’s the raw truth: I’ve been sitting on some killer podcast news.

Since I heard, I’ve told exactly two people. Ridiculous, right? But more than that, it’s just sad. But I’m done with this. It’s time to break the silence. 

📣 Announcement! Since finding out the show I exec produce won an award for Best Young Adult Podcast¹, I’ve kept my mouth zipped. No social posts, no celebratory calls, nothing.

What does it take to own our victories and shout them out loud, because we damn well deserve it, right?! 

But first, let’s look at some of the reasons we stay schtum: 

1. Social norms demand modesty from women. We get fierce side-eye if we dare ‘boast’ about our wins. People don’t like it when a woman speaks her mind, especially about our own hard-won accomplishments.

2. Flaunting our stuff, even just mentioning our achievements, is labeled as unseemly, embarrassing, arrogant, rude, unladylike, and offensive.

3. We’ve internalised the patriarchal BS that our job is to fade into the background and let others shine.

If we don’t downplay our talents, our wins, and our accomplishments, we risk being accused of peacocking, of thinking we’re better than everyone else.

Seriously, are we not allowed to celebrate our excellence, and take centre stage? 

You know where all this folding in on ourselves leaves us? Gagging, not bragging. 

Image: Jenni Holma

To gag not brag feels like loneliness, anxiety, resentment, jealousy, boredom, exhaustion, and distress. It might be different for you, but for me, it’s isolation and a throat tight with emotion. It’s also that urgent little voice in my head whispering, ‘This isn’t how I’m supposed to be when things go well.’ 

Rebecca Solnit warns, “How do you think big when you’re supposed to not get in the way, not overstep your welcome, not overshadow or intimidate?"

The price of holding back public pride over our milestones is way too high to ignore. But telling women to toot our own horn can cause some serious anxiety. 

So, how do we go from gag to brag?

1. We realise that when we gag instead of brag, it’s NOT a sign of personal failure. We’re living in a culture that’s hell-bent on suppressing feminine power.

2. We reclaim our right to celebrate our achievements, surrounded by people who genuinely cheer us on.

3. When we brag, we become role models. By owning our successes, we give others permission to stand up and do the same.

To truly live lives that are ours, lives of substance, we have to dare to brag. We need to refuse to fade into the background just to keep others comfortable. We deserve to celebrate our victories and show off our brilliance. We owe it to ourselves and the next generation to be the role models they desperately need.

Instead of asking, “Who the hell do I think I am to brag?” we need to be shouting, “Who the hell do I think I am not to brag?”

💎 Got a win you’ve been hiding? Drop a comment to celebrate every win, no matter how small. Let’s change the narrative and start lifting each other up!

Finally, a massive shoutout to the EarWorthy podcast awards for giving me this golden opportunity to brag and show why it’s so very important to do so!

With love,

ps. here’s a bonus guest post by Alice Stanley Jr in the Little Things newsletter for you!

My Year of Bragging

1. Seraphina Speaks is my 11 year old daughter’s podcast. She began hosting the show at seven, and won her first award at eight. I owe it to her to celebrate this win for the two of us, as partners in this venture.