And this is what I’ve been saying all along. Mothers need to break out of the martyrdom complex and perfection because firstly there is no such thing as perfection and you also cannot accomplish anything with an empty cup.
YES, we have to break out of the self sacrificial model of mother. Sad thing is, many of us do this because we think it's the loving way to raise our children. Martyrdom does not equal love.
Lovely to hear from you btw. I set aside time tmrw to read your post on the Libra New Moon Solar Eclipse 🫶🏼
Danusia, so much of what you share also applies to all humans…thank you for the reminder to be selfishly ourselves. 🙏🏽 And. I wish my mom had someone like you to learn from when she was still on earth.
What a truly beautiful thing to say - Gladys I wish my mother knew she didn't need to grind herself into destruction. It was such suffering for her. And sadly, you can guess her frustrations rippled outward.
You are right. I write of universal lessons, human ones that we can all consider. Hearing from you made my day. Your spirit is a pick me up. 💎
GUG46(;)furfh4!@,.58?;DHTSD!!!!!’ <— me, glitching out with love for all of this!!!! 🙏😭😂💛 Whew, so much gold here. When my daughter turned 3, I had a miuuuuch needed come to Jesus moment. Instead of thinking of myself as “Megan the mom”I said to myself NO. I am MEGAN. And, I am also a mom. Do I still struggle with mom guilt for wanting space for myself? Yes, I do. Work in progress. But goddamn I truly would be the worst mom ever if I modeled for my daughter being a slave to everyone else… that’s a terrible message to teach her!!! So yes, it’s damn time to be ‘selfish’… thank you for this IMPORTANT reminder!!!! 🙏💛💛💛
OMFG what a vicious message to teach our daughters: that they get a life of their own UP UNTIL they birth a child. Being a slave to a cause our kids didn't ask for, is a shit way to model what it is to be a fulfilled woman. And it's also as hideous for boys to witness this I-get-to-me-once-everyone-else-is-okay pile of 💩
ps.I'm chomping at the bit for your answers to 'that form' asking for the inside load on your bed action. Slip of the tongue, I mean pen action. I'll take any action. Put it on paper and I'll be all of a quiver 🔥
I'm now a grandmom and I totally understand the advice. (Hindsight is 20/20.) This is being sent to my daughter who is raising two young ones and surviving teenhood with her step-daughter. Thanks for this great post.
YES!! As mothers we need to lean into self care!! This was a huge learning for me on my motherhood journey. And has led me to help mothers step out of survival mode and rediscover what lights them up ✨Thank you for this empowering message 💖
It was only going to be something creative (not embroidery!) as I know it really does positive things for my well being. But, there were a few too many "other" things to sort today but this was probably pressure from myself, not my family!
Internally driven must-do's interspersed with creative things (upcycling an old chest, sewing, pottering , baking aka homely things - these are some of my version of autumn creativity) spurs me on to get things I'm not keen on, done. I hope you find ten minutes to give yourself this loving attention
Yes! As women we are conditioned to be flexible. Whilst this has often been a gift in my life it means that too often I flex for everyone else's needs and don't hold my own boundaries.
I've started asking myself what I want to do at the weekend and then my husband and I switch looking after the kids so we can both do a couple of hours of what we want to do. Yesterday I went for a swim and coffee in the morning and a half an hour walk with a friend in the afternoon. It felt so good.
I think we need to be very active in voicing our needs and then like you say acting on it even when it looks different. This year I had a week's holiday abroad by myself. It felt strange and other people were surprised and when I saw kids in the hotel pool I missed my own, but I so needed it. Having kids that can't go to school and are home full time with complex needs means we have to be proactive with getting time to ourselves.
Being flexible and adaptable are huge skills and ones not to be sniffed at 😉 doesn’t this backfire for us when we realise how depleted we become, you’re so right!
Your weekend sounds nourishing and your holiday, such an injection of love.
The demands of home ed are real, it’s a lifestyle shift of seismic proportions. The idea that kids leave the home to be in school for the chunk of the day is something I can hardly remember. The benefits are huge given the Ed system we’ve experienced has not met need. Oh how we could chat on this 💞
This is so true and something I struggle with greatly. Even this morning with my husband sitting next to me and the kids playing together, I opened my laptop to work on a project when my six year old appeared like a ghost asking me to play with her and her sister. Even though I was clearly occupied and her father who hadn't been home in two days was sitting right there doing nothing.
Isn't that a bummer?! Had your hubby zoned out, the kids are more likely to asked you to play, or something different? It's tough to do a dynamics switch when you've been holding the fort solo, I'd guess.
It's that dynamic switch, I have to tell them to ask him the first 24 hours. And he's also decompressing from his 48 hour (or more) shift as a firefighter/paramedic
Danusia- so sorry to hear about the crash the circumstances surrounding it! Hope you are all safe and sound ( although the car is t! Thank you writing this today. There is no ‘perfect’ and children need more than a shell of mother. Taking time is a necessity. Sending you love and hugs💕
I think for me - having accidentally (and resentfully) self sacrificed (partly to accommodate an ex husband who took up a lot of space and didn’t share the load) - the big thing is “what am I modelling to my children?”…feels so important, not just for my 2 girls but also (if not especially) my boy…I want them to be clear that mothers have needs, hopes, dreams, and they need respecting and honouring as much as - IF NOT MORE - than anyone else’s. 💫💖
I’m wondering if you have words for why it is seen as heinous (among mothers) to have needs, to express them and want these respected? Its such a polarising issue.
Ahh, tis a complex subject of course...and wonder if ‘heinous’ is the right word…do mothers think it’s heinous? I wonder if a more common word is ‘impossible’…I don’t know…would be a good poll for mothers…”describe the thought of putting yourself first in one word” type thing…and as for why it’s hard to express our needs… I’ve got another word for you…’patriarchy’ 😉
Certainly a knotty place to explore. You’re right, opinions on what I’ll call a ‘mothers needs continuum’ would include ‘ impossible’ maybe somewhere around the mid range area. There’d be heinous or another word for ‘mothers should set aside their needs’ at one end + over at the opposite end words that express ‘we have needs like all humans’.
Love the poll idea Susie!
Meanwhile, I agree, all this is set within power structures and systemic interlocking of oppressions that grant power and privilege to some, while disproportionately disadvantaging others. bell hooks described this well: "imperialist white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy". 🔥
Loving the discussion Danusia…could talk about it all day…and here’s the thing…I’m realising that so many mothers don’t even realise that their attitude to this is trapped in patriarchal systems…sometimes we uphold the very systems that oppress us by advocating for them…I certainly relate to this…on my list of ‘to write’ is a ‘I didn’t find feminism, feminism found me’ type piece…Looking forward to the poll! 💫🎉💖
And this is what I’ve been saying all along. Mothers need to break out of the martyrdom complex and perfection because firstly there is no such thing as perfection and you also cannot accomplish anything with an empty cup.
YES, we have to break out of the self sacrificial model of mother. Sad thing is, many of us do this because we think it's the loving way to raise our children. Martyrdom does not equal love.
Lovely to hear from you btw. I set aside time tmrw to read your post on the Libra New Moon Solar Eclipse 🫶🏼
Awesome! I hope you find it insightful as lots is happening right now!
What a week, huh. Goodness. Breathe deep and trust 💗
Absolutely! We can’t do much with an empty cup! ☕️💖
Danusia, so much of what you share also applies to all humans…thank you for the reminder to be selfishly ourselves. 🙏🏽 And. I wish my mom had someone like you to learn from when she was still on earth.
What a truly beautiful thing to say - Gladys I wish my mother knew she didn't need to grind herself into destruction. It was such suffering for her. And sadly, you can guess her frustrations rippled outward.
You are right. I write of universal lessons, human ones that we can all consider. Hearing from you made my day. Your spirit is a pick me up. 💎
I absolutely agree, Parents Who Think speaks to people on an existential level. Parental status not needed to subscribe. ;o)
What a compliment Laura. Thank you!
Perfection is the lie that keeps us all on the hamster wheel 🙌❤️🔥
I find this one so tough. I mean excruciatingly tough. Ha. 😉 💫
ps how come this was the sentence that jumped out for you? I feel seen
GUG46(;)furfh4!@,.58?;DHTSD!!!!!’ <— me, glitching out with love for all of this!!!! 🙏😭😂💛 Whew, so much gold here. When my daughter turned 3, I had a miuuuuch needed come to Jesus moment. Instead of thinking of myself as “Megan the mom”I said to myself NO. I am MEGAN. And, I am also a mom. Do I still struggle with mom guilt for wanting space for myself? Yes, I do. Work in progress. But goddamn I truly would be the worst mom ever if I modeled for my daughter being a slave to everyone else… that’s a terrible message to teach her!!! So yes, it’s damn time to be ‘selfish’… thank you for this IMPORTANT reminder!!!! 🙏💛💛💛
OMFG what a vicious message to teach our daughters: that they get a life of their own UP UNTIL they birth a child. Being a slave to a cause our kids didn't ask for, is a shit way to model what it is to be a fulfilled woman. And it's also as hideous for boys to witness this I-get-to-me-once-everyone-else-is-okay pile of 💩
ps.I'm chomping at the bit for your answers to 'that form' asking for the inside load on your bed action. Slip of the tongue, I mean pen action. I'll take any action. Put it on paper and I'll be all of a quiver 🔥
I'm now a grandmom and I totally understand the advice. (Hindsight is 20/20.) This is being sent to my daughter who is raising two young ones and surviving teenhood with her step-daughter. Thanks for this great post.
It tickles me pink that you shared this with your daughter Dora. That's loving mothering right there 💖 I appreciate you being here xo
YES!! As mothers we need to lean into self care!! This was a huge learning for me on my motherhood journey. And has led me to help mothers step out of survival mode and rediscover what lights them up ✨Thank you for this empowering message 💖
Thanks for reading and cheering these messages on Catherine! Your work is vital - it’s easy to get lost in tending people we love. 🥰
That feels particularly relevant today! It MAY be too late to do something I wanted for me today, but I can at least take time.
I like the word MAY, it has possibilities in it 😁 Can you say what it was or is it too private? Now I'm curious.
By the way, thanks for reading this piece Katie x
It was only going to be something creative (not embroidery!) as I know it really does positive things for my well being. But, there were a few too many "other" things to sort today but this was probably pressure from myself, not my family!
Internally driven must-do's interspersed with creative things (upcycling an old chest, sewing, pottering , baking aka homely things - these are some of my version of autumn creativity) spurs me on to get things I'm not keen on, done. I hope you find ten minutes to give yourself this loving attention
Yes! As women we are conditioned to be flexible. Whilst this has often been a gift in my life it means that too often I flex for everyone else's needs and don't hold my own boundaries.
I've started asking myself what I want to do at the weekend and then my husband and I switch looking after the kids so we can both do a couple of hours of what we want to do. Yesterday I went for a swim and coffee in the morning and a half an hour walk with a friend in the afternoon. It felt so good.
I think we need to be very active in voicing our needs and then like you say acting on it even when it looks different. This year I had a week's holiday abroad by myself. It felt strange and other people were surprised and when I saw kids in the hotel pool I missed my own, but I so needed it. Having kids that can't go to school and are home full time with complex needs means we have to be proactive with getting time to ourselves.
Being flexible and adaptable are huge skills and ones not to be sniffed at 😉 doesn’t this backfire for us when we realise how depleted we become, you’re so right!
Your weekend sounds nourishing and your holiday, such an injection of love.
The demands of home ed are real, it’s a lifestyle shift of seismic proportions. The idea that kids leave the home to be in school for the chunk of the day is something I can hardly remember. The benefits are huge given the Ed system we’ve experienced has not met need. Oh how we could chat on this 💞
This is so true and something I struggle with greatly. Even this morning with my husband sitting next to me and the kids playing together, I opened my laptop to work on a project when my six year old appeared like a ghost asking me to play with her and her sister. Even though I was clearly occupied and her father who hadn't been home in two days was sitting right there doing nothing.
Isn't that a bummer?! Had your hubby zoned out, the kids are more likely to asked you to play, or something different? It's tough to do a dynamics switch when you've been holding the fort solo, I'd guess.
It's that dynamic switch, I have to tell them to ask him the first 24 hours. And he's also decompressing from his 48 hour (or more) shift as a firefighter/paramedic
It's a lot in the mix. 🫂 Fingers crossed for the deadline too!
Danusia- so sorry to hear about the crash the circumstances surrounding it! Hope you are all safe and sound ( although the car is t! Thank you writing this today. There is no ‘perfect’ and children need more than a shell of mother. Taking time is a necessity. Sending you love and hugs💕
Thank you Tracy. It took me a little while to stop being shaken. I'm grateful we are all unharmed physically.
No-one needs parents who are husks of themselves. That's for sure. Your love landed and I'm sending you hugs too x
Glad to hear you’re okay. Understandable that you were shaken! I’m sending you a DM about post questions. 💕
I think for me - having accidentally (and resentfully) self sacrificed (partly to accommodate an ex husband who took up a lot of space and didn’t share the load) - the big thing is “what am I modelling to my children?”…feels so important, not just for my 2 girls but also (if not especially) my boy…I want them to be clear that mothers have needs, hopes, dreams, and they need respecting and honouring as much as - IF NOT MORE - than anyone else’s. 💫💖
I’m wondering if you have words for why it is seen as heinous (among mothers) to have needs, to express them and want these respected? Its such a polarising issue.
Your children are lucky 🥰
Ahh, tis a complex subject of course...and wonder if ‘heinous’ is the right word…do mothers think it’s heinous? I wonder if a more common word is ‘impossible’…I don’t know…would be a good poll for mothers…”describe the thought of putting yourself first in one word” type thing…and as for why it’s hard to express our needs… I’ve got another word for you…’patriarchy’ 😉
Certainly a knotty place to explore. You’re right, opinions on what I’ll call a ‘mothers needs continuum’ would include ‘ impossible’ maybe somewhere around the mid range area. There’d be heinous or another word for ‘mothers should set aside their needs’ at one end + over at the opposite end words that express ‘we have needs like all humans’.
Love the poll idea Susie!
Meanwhile, I agree, all this is set within power structures and systemic interlocking of oppressions that grant power and privilege to some, while disproportionately disadvantaging others. bell hooks described this well: "imperialist white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy". 🔥
Loving the discussion Danusia…could talk about it all day…and here’s the thing…I’m realising that so many mothers don’t even realise that their attitude to this is trapped in patriarchal systems…sometimes we uphold the very systems that oppress us by advocating for them…I certainly relate to this…on my list of ‘to write’ is a ‘I didn’t find feminism, feminism found me’ type piece…Looking forward to the poll! 💫🎉💖