Wonderful Mothers: it's time to be 'selfish' - and here's why

NEWSFLASH: You Don’t Need Anyone’s Approval to Be a Human.

Danusia Malina-Derben

Sep 29, 2024

Hi! This is Danusia from Parents Who Think, where thoughtful humans raise the next generation of thinkers.

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Ever feel like you can’t catch a break? Like there’s no time to sit in peace without someone needing something. Without the noise, without a million demands pulling you in different directions? We all get to a point where even the basics - getting groceries, doing laundry, paying bills — ~~seem~~ are harder than usual because there’s just no space for you.

Not an endorsement of smoking but a yes to the sentiment

Believe me, I know how brutal it is. Ten kids1, books on motherhood and fatherhood, a podcast, a day job consulting —you’d think by now I’d have cracked the code on finding space for myself. But no. Life doesn’t hand out quiet moments, and certainly not to mothers.

Let’s be clear — nobody’s going to hand you time to yourself on a silver platter. You’ve got to fight for it. In fact, if you’re waiting for some magical moment when everything will calm down and you’ll finally have “earned” your space, stop waiting. It’s never going to happen.

And here’s something we need to keep saying out loud: this culture that glorifies mothers running themselves into the ground? It’s toxic and CRUEL. There’s no badge of honour for self-sacrifice, no parenting prize for being the most exhausted, most depleted person in the room.

What’s truly impressive is the opposite. Parents who, despite all the noise, carve out space for themselves and find the strength to prioritise their needs.

Truth: for many, this isn’t a matter of guts. For parents raising disabled children and/or navigating life without resources or support, carving out space is an even greater battle. I know this firsthand as a parent of disabled children with no family nearby.

It’s not just about willpower; it’s about fighting against a system that often leaves you drained before you even start. But even in the hardest moments, those parents are holding onto something vital — the belief that their needs still matter.

Think all this talk of space sounds selfish?

Good. Let’s own that.

Because selfishness — the kind where you dare to protect your own sanity — is exactly what we need more of.

I’m not here to tell you to feel guilty for it, either. Guilt? That’s another tool used to keep you in your place. I’ll acknowledge that most mothers I talk to feel it, but I refuse to entertain it. Feeling guilty for wanting space, for wanting to be you, is the most unnecessary, self-defeating thing you could do.

And let’s talk about this pattern of always putting yourself last, or describing your life as ‘lived around the edges’. It’s a lie we’ve bought into, that we’ll get to ourselves after everyone else’s needs are met.

After the kids are sorted, after the work is done, after the house is clean. But here’s the truth: you never get to yourself. There’s always something else waiting. Another need. Another crisis.

And slowly, you start to forget what you even wanted in the first place. This cycle of delay, of pushing yourself to the bottom of the list — it’s a form of self-erasure. You are teaching yourself that you don’t matter, plus teaching your children this too. And that’s a lesson you can’t afford to learn, or teach.

And speaking of unnecessary — why is it always mothers who are expected to sacrifice themselves? Fathers get a round of applause for showing up, for doing the bare minimum. “Look, he packed a lunch! Wow!” #notallfathers get this? hmmmm

Meanwhile, we expect mothers to become invisible, absorbed into their roles, until they don’t even remember what life felt like before.

I’m not interested in playing that game. I’m interested in calling it out for what it is — a lie designed to keep you small, exhausted, and constantly apologising for even wanting space to breathe.

Here’s the obvious.

Taking time for yourself isn’t indulgent. It’s not a reward. It’s a survival strategy.

No one’s going to give you permission to take up space, and why should they? Everyone benefits from you being the one who’s always available, always giving, always pushing yourself last.

But I’m here to tell you, if you don’t take that space for yourself, no one else will. And honestly, why wouldn’t you? Your kids don’t need a shell of a parent. They need someone fully alive, fully engaged. And that means someone who knows when to step back and say, “This is my time.”

This is exactly why I started my Parents that Write interview column because I wanted to show what’s possible. Every week, I talk to parents who are doing exactly that — carving out space for themselves in the middle of life. They’re not waiting for permission or a quiet day to do what they love.

So far, six interviews are live, and every Wednesday a new one drops. The series is an ongoing reckoning with how we think about personal space and parenting.

And it’s not just about writing. That’s the vehicle, sure, but the message applies to anything. If writing’s not your thing, it doesn’t matter — whatever your passion is, whether it’s running, geocaching, online gaming, or just needing ten minutes to sit in silence with a ~~tepid~~ hot cup of coffee. You deserve that space.

You’re not just a caretaker. You’re not just a “Mummy” or “Mama” who’s only valuable when she’s giving. You’re a person with needs, desires, and dreams, and it’s about time that took centre stage.

Let’s break this down even further. The idea of the perfect parent? Bullshit. It’s a fantasy sold to you so you’ll keep buying into the grind. But perfection doesn’t exist, and chasing it is like chasing your own destruction.

Let me say it loud: You are not here to prove anything to anyone.

You’re not here to live up to a Pinterest-perfect standard of motherhood that’s designed to keep you stressed, exhausted, and questioning yourself. You’re here to live, to thrive, and to be human. Humans screw up. Humans get tired. And humans need space to breathe.

Perfection is the lie that’s keeping us all on the hamster wheel.

You want to know the truth? Parenting isn’t about “doing it all.” It’s about knowing when to stop. It’s about knowing when to take a step back and say, “You know what? I matter, too.”

Here’s what I’ve heard time and again from parents I interview, the ones who are following their dreams:

🧶 They refuse to apologise for needing space: If you wait for everyone else to give you permission to take time for yourself, you’ll wait forever. Stop apologising.

🧶 They take what they can get: Stop waiting for some magical hour of uninterrupted time. If you’ve got ten minutes, take it. You don’t need grand plans to find fulfilment. You just need to start taking the space that’s already there.

🧶 They set boundaries like their life depends on it: Because it does. Boundaries are the ultimate self-care. Don’t let anyone — ANYONE — tell you that your time for yourself isn’t important.

And here’s a radical last idea for you: what if carving out time for yourself wasn’t something you “earned” by being a good parent first? What if you started treating your space — your time — as a basic right?

Imagine it. Imagine saying, “This is my time, and it’s not negotiable.” Imagine not feeling guilty for it. Because here’s the truth: if you don’t prioritise yourself, the world will keep taking and taking until there’s nothing left.

Here’s what I want to leave you with:

Stop waiting for the world to give you permission.
Stop waiting for some mystical, guilt-free moment to take care of yourself.
Take the time. Claim the space. And do it unapologetically.

Because no one is going to give you what you need. You’ve got to take it.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts! Do you get space for yourself? What’s in the way of the kind of space you dream of? Let’s talk about time for you and being ‘selfish’. Meet me in the comments, hit the link in pink.