Wow. Danusia this is phenomenal. Exquisitely expressed, passionately felt, delightfully evocative. And makes me ever so slightly uncomfortable... in the best way because it makes me challenge my beliefs. What *is* the line with sex and others' boundaries? Definitely not self-muzzling, for that is tragic. As someone who's long lived in the shadows of shame and sexuality from my indoctrinated cult adjacent upbringing... I CRAVE this liberation. Thank you for being you, thank you for saying the shit too many won't. I appreciate you so so so much. ❤️🔥
Megan, thank you for trusting me with this. You didn’t have to name the shadows you’ve walked through here, but you did, and it matters. I see you, and I’m cheering for the fierce, brilliant woman who craves (and claims) her liberation.
And thank you for the feature, it means more when it’s from someone who gets it in their bones. Right back at you. ❤️🔥
My kids have recently moved from the big shared bonus room down the hall to the two smaller rooms that flank our bedroom on either side. We advocated for them to do this, so they could have their own space and a little autonomy from each other, but didn't realize until it was too late what that could mean for our sex life. My boys are 9 and 11 and they often stay up later than me; there have been so many nights where I have the desire to have sex but simply don't want to worry about them hearing us, or knocking on the door mid-fuck. But last week, my husband and I were having fantastic sex, and I just could not be bothered to care that they might hear. What would be the worst that could happen? That they ask what we were doing in there? I would be perfectly honest with them, because that's how we handle things in our household. They'll be sharing a house with us for, at a minimum, the next eight years and there is no way in hell I'm sidelining my libido that long. GREAT article!
Melissa, this is the kind of grounded, gutsy honesty that makes me want to stand up and clap. That mid-fuck clarity? Where the desire outweighs the noise-paranoia? Yes. It matters. Not just for our sex lives, but for showing our kids what a connected, alive adulthood looks like. Thank you for this. I’ll be cheering you on from my own pleasure-ground 🔥♀️
This reminded me of what you wrote for me about openly grieving in front of your children. Showing them that to be loud and messy is to be human. It also reminds me of Geoffery Gorer's essay, The Pornography of Death, which isn't about mothers specifically but calls out society on silencing integral parts of humanity.
Yes, Laura, what a beautiful connection. Grief, like sex, is so often silenced in mothers. We’re expected to hold it in, tidy it up, not make anyone uncomfortable. But as Gorer said, the real obscenity is the denial of what’s most human. Loud grief, loud pleasure—both are forms of truth-telling. Thank you for reminding me of that ♥️
Bloody brilliant, I love that you wrote this. I actually recorded a podcast on parenting and kink last week and we were discussing just this. I do think this is only partially a feminist issue though. Parents of any gender are under this oppression, expected to become a non sexual being the moment they step into parental servitude. Though of course intersectionality makes this even more so for women.
This unspoken rule is actively damaging to our children in several ways in my opinion:
1. Our silence around anything sexual makes taboo of the sexuality humans of all ages feel and know.
2. We abandon parts of ourselves and therefore can’t be truly authentic with our children because we’re effectively playing a role.
And
3. As you said, we stop modelling what a parent looks like when they are fully lit up in their sexual power and desire for life.
YES to every word here, Roma. You’re so right—it’s a cultural straightjacket strapped tight across all parents, regardless of gender. But the intensity, the surveillance, the double binds—those weigh even heavier on mothers. I love that you’re podcasting about this too. We need all the voices. All the light. All the glorious, desire-lit examples of what parenting can look like without the performance. Thank you for fucking—and for saying it out loud. xx
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. I myself have been struggling this exact situation. My twins have finally moved to their own beds. Out of fear of missing them crying out for me and out of others hearing, my desires have been stuffed under responsibility. I can always tell when I have hit my limit because all that micromanaging you mentioned because extreme and I have to step back and reevaluate everything. I’ve never been one to censor my kids from life and yet this is one thing I have censored and after reading this, I realize this should change. Thank you again.
Oh, I feel this so deeply—especially the part about micromanaging becoming the signal. It’s like our unmet needs start leaking sideways. You’re not alone in this recalibration, and I’m so moved you shared this here. Here’s to less stuffing, less censoring, more breathing room for all of us! 🫶🏼
Because the rules were whispered so early, so often, we started mistaking them for instincts. But yes, once you see the lock was never real, the key gets easier to use ❤️🔥
Right?! Ducking under the covers like we’re smuggling contraband pleasure. 🔥 One day we’ll teach the next generation that it doesn’t have to be this way.
Love you wielding a truth-hammer. Thank you. You’re right, poverty silences sex more than shame ever could. The overcrowding, the thin walls, the constant proximity of children and poverty… there’s no room for appetite to breathe. Feminism that ignores class is not feminism—it’s PR. I’m so grateful you added this. It matters. And yes, I think you’re right—this is just the beginning. 🔥
Wow. Danusia this is phenomenal. Exquisitely expressed, passionately felt, delightfully evocative. And makes me ever so slightly uncomfortable... in the best way because it makes me challenge my beliefs. What *is* the line with sex and others' boundaries? Definitely not self-muzzling, for that is tragic. As someone who's long lived in the shadows of shame and sexuality from my indoctrinated cult adjacent upbringing... I CRAVE this liberation. Thank you for being you, thank you for saying the shit too many won't. I appreciate you so so so much. ❤️🔥
Megan, thank you for trusting me with this. You didn’t have to name the shadows you’ve walked through here, but you did, and it matters. I see you, and I’m cheering for the fierce, brilliant woman who craves (and claims) her liberation.
And thank you for the feature, it means more when it’s from someone who gets it in their bones. Right back at you. ❤️🔥
Appreciate you and your words oh so much!!! ❤️🔥
My kids have recently moved from the big shared bonus room down the hall to the two smaller rooms that flank our bedroom on either side. We advocated for them to do this, so they could have their own space and a little autonomy from each other, but didn't realize until it was too late what that could mean for our sex life. My boys are 9 and 11 and they often stay up later than me; there have been so many nights where I have the desire to have sex but simply don't want to worry about them hearing us, or knocking on the door mid-fuck. But last week, my husband and I were having fantastic sex, and I just could not be bothered to care that they might hear. What would be the worst that could happen? That they ask what we were doing in there? I would be perfectly honest with them, because that's how we handle things in our household. They'll be sharing a house with us for, at a minimum, the next eight years and there is no way in hell I'm sidelining my libido that long. GREAT article!
Melissa, this is the kind of grounded, gutsy honesty that makes me want to stand up and clap. That mid-fuck clarity? Where the desire outweighs the noise-paranoia? Yes. It matters. Not just for our sex lives, but for showing our kids what a connected, alive adulthood looks like. Thank you for this. I’ll be cheering you on from my own pleasure-ground 🔥♀️
This reminded me of what you wrote for me about openly grieving in front of your children. Showing them that to be loud and messy is to be human. It also reminds me of Geoffery Gorer's essay, The Pornography of Death, which isn't about mothers specifically but calls out society on silencing integral parts of humanity.
Yes, Laura, what a beautiful connection. Grief, like sex, is so often silenced in mothers. We’re expected to hold it in, tidy it up, not make anyone uncomfortable. But as Gorer said, the real obscenity is the denial of what’s most human. Loud grief, loud pleasure—both are forms of truth-telling. Thank you for reminding me of that ♥️
Bloody brilliant, I love that you wrote this. I actually recorded a podcast on parenting and kink last week and we were discussing just this. I do think this is only partially a feminist issue though. Parents of any gender are under this oppression, expected to become a non sexual being the moment they step into parental servitude. Though of course intersectionality makes this even more so for women.
This unspoken rule is actively damaging to our children in several ways in my opinion:
1. Our silence around anything sexual makes taboo of the sexuality humans of all ages feel and know.
2. We abandon parts of ourselves and therefore can’t be truly authentic with our children because we’re effectively playing a role.
And
3. As you said, we stop modelling what a parent looks like when they are fully lit up in their sexual power and desire for life.
Thanks for writing (and for fucking) xx
YES to every word here, Roma. You’re so right—it’s a cultural straightjacket strapped tight across all parents, regardless of gender. But the intensity, the surveillance, the double binds—those weigh even heavier on mothers. I love that you’re podcasting about this too. We need all the voices. All the light. All the glorious, desire-lit examples of what parenting can look like without the performance. Thank you for fucking—and for saying it out loud. xx
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. I myself have been struggling this exact situation. My twins have finally moved to their own beds. Out of fear of missing them crying out for me and out of others hearing, my desires have been stuffed under responsibility. I can always tell when I have hit my limit because all that micromanaging you mentioned because extreme and I have to step back and reevaluate everything. I’ve never been one to censor my kids from life and yet this is one thing I have censored and after reading this, I realize this should change. Thank you again.
Oh, I feel this so deeply—especially the part about micromanaging becoming the signal. It’s like our unmet needs start leaking sideways. You’re not alone in this recalibration, and I’m so moved you shared this here. Here’s to less stuffing, less censoring, more breathing room for all of us! 🫶🏼
We hold the key to our own liberation. It’s really quite clear. So why do so many of us continually hold back?
Because the rules were whispered so early, so often, we started mistaking them for instincts. But yes, once you see the lock was never real, the key gets easier to use ❤️🔥
Fuck like fugitives 🔥🔥🔥
Right?! Ducking under the covers like we’re smuggling contraband pleasure. 🔥 One day we’ll teach the next generation that it doesn’t have to be this way.
Love you wielding a truth-hammer. Thank you. You’re right, poverty silences sex more than shame ever could. The overcrowding, the thin walls, the constant proximity of children and poverty… there’s no room for appetite to breathe. Feminism that ignores class is not feminism—it’s PR. I’m so grateful you added this. It matters. And yes, I think you’re right—this is just the beginning. 🔥