I'm a Modern Badass, here's How
Steal my nuggets and skyrocket your badass self
This piece is part of the Parents Who Think (PWT) NOISE SERIES, a collection of personal essays where I share lessons from being a working mother of ten on a mission to fulfil my own potential too. Themes include work, energy, domesticity, leadership, sex, slow living, childcare, ambition, infertility, productivity, relationships and sleep.
The NOISE SERIES is designed to activate permission slips, stoke inner fires and spark great conversations. I hope you’ll join in and have your say. If you fancy, forward my words on or restack them in the Substack app. Big thanks for being here!
You are the Sky.
Everything else –
it’s just the weather.
– Pema Chödrön
Badasses aren’t born, they are made.
Consider this: what makes a badass these days? Is it astronomical career success, being outspoken, or adopting stoic traits that men have been expected to display in the face of adversity?
A retrograde definition of women’s1 badassery focused on an absence of feelings and care plus an alleged imperviousness to being touched by situations, especially emotionally.
Add an overriding sense that badasses do whatever the fuck they want into the mix, and there we have it. Steely ass-kicking was at the heart of this outdated version of celebratory badass strength.
This isn’t the only meaning of badass. Sometimes the term is used to describe people with unmistakeable confidence and an uncompromising attitude who are in tune with their nurturing nature too.
Being a Thoughtful Badass might sound like an oxymoron but this modern combination is not only possible, but an improved version from ‘old style’ badassery.
Hell yeah, this is my version.
But I bet my ten kids you didn’t wake up this morning thinking, “I need to become a badass!”.
Maybe the thought, “If only I was more confident” HAS crossed your mind…
Danusia, isn’t being Badass just Confidence on Steroids?!
It’s often said that what women lack is confidence. That we need to build up our confidence skills to stand shoulder to shoulder with men, especially wherever success, money and power are.
Isn’t being confident a stretch, a great goal and frankly, enough?
Here’s my perspective:
I DON’T BELIEVE OUR WORLD NEEDS MORE CONFIDENT WOMEN.
Confidence is the palatable training course and book topic for women who don’t upset people.
Confident women can be taken down.
Confident women overthink the phrase ‘who do you think you are?’.
Confident women uphold the status quo.
Being a badass woman is like being that ‘too much’ woman and we all know what that means - another b word used for any woman who refuses to know her place. That’s right, she needs to be willing to be called a bitch.
Caveat: any woman, with an opinion of her own, risks being labelled a bitch.
I’ll let you in on a secret: I’m writing about this today, rather than the piece I was planning to write, because someone in a corporate gave me a piece of feedback. It went like this:
“Gotta tell you I’m shocked Danusia.
*awkward silence*
You’re not the battle-axe I thought you’d be”
She’d assumed, because of the hard-edged consulting I do around strategy and bottomline in the C suite, that I must be a fierce old bird to weather doing that work. Let’s be transparent, words like aggressive, domineering and forceful are bandied about in relation to STRONG WOMEN.
Battle axe is just another slur word beginning with b to add to Bitch.
Although tropes get a dirty rap they can be signposts of various identity labels and, most of all, they can be fun.
When we treat them with a light touch, instead of a heavy grip, and allow ourselves and others to move in and out of them, to enjoy them, to laugh at them - we can use them to support our growth meaningfully.
In other words we can try them on for size. How about that?
Why become Badass in a world that doesn’t want us to be?
Good Point. But hear me out.
In life, there is no real safety except for self-belief ~ Madonna
My job here is to have you want to dial up your badass impact. Stop reading this right NOW if that turns you off.
I mean it. Step away from this writing. Just because I want badass for you, doesn’t mean to say that it has to happen. You will probably connect more with my next written piece, stay connected for that one!
I know that moving to badass isn’t for everyone. And those who operate from badass don’t want to go back to their old confident-ish ways.
Keep reading:
if you know (hope) badass is possible for you
if you’ve ever backed away from a badass idea because it was fucking terrifying
if you’ve been badass before and fell bang splat on your face
if you know the exact badass actions you could take, but aren’t
Put your hand in mine, let’s walk together into Badass.
“A badass woman stands up for herself, is confident, and is not afraid to challenge the hierarchy, the patriarchy, or conventional thinking." ~ Katie Couric
How do you get in touch with your inner badass and infuse badassery across your life?
The good news is your badass is already sitting inside you, even when your inner fraud tells you different!
The even better news is she’s always been there regardless of the choices you’ve made, the job you’ve got or not, and the way you talk to yourself when you wake at 3am.
But it’s one thing to read definitions about being badass, and another to cultivate it within yourself.
Today I'll share 3 brief badass stories with you - accompanying each is an enquiry for you to apply to your own life. I give you these with a dollop of badass spirit and love.
Steal nuggets from these 3 Stories
NUGGET #1. BADASSES REFUSE TO KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD “NO”
When Helen Packham heard she’d not been chosen to deliver a TEDx talk, it was a flat out rejection. She had the cojones to prep like she’d be one of the speakers on that red circle stage, regardless of the no.
On the day, TEDx Brighton curator, Toby Moore, found he needed a last moment speaker. Helen stepped in and smashed it out of the park. Ironically, in her talk, Helen used her TEDx talk to challenge the assumption that confidence is something that is lost or gained, when instead it’s always there.
~ ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION/JOURNAL: What NO would you need to ignore over the next 10 days for you to feel you’d stepped into your fully badass self?
NUGGET #2. BADASSES HOLD TIGHT TO OUR CONVICTION ABOUT OUR IDEAS, AND IGNORE THE NAYSAYERS, INCLUDING OURSELVES
When I came up with the idea to write for television, I joined an army of people with this same dream. My day job consulting career is not adjacent to this work.
When I was told I could not succeed without an agent, I thanked the person for the info, then moved ahead anyway. Six weeks later I pitched to Syco Entertainment, the British media entertainment and production company, founded and owned by British entrepreneur and record executive Simon Cowell. Syco optioned my TV format in a lucrative deal. I ‘cut my TV writing teeth’ in a legendary production team.
Fast forward to this past week. I pitched out a not-quite-fully-figured-out TV series - a romantic thriller - to an industry legend. I thought I’d upchuck down my dress as I stuttered out the scrappy plot. He likes it a lot and it’s moving swift to the next stage. Crazy stuff but I live by the mantra “Watch Me”. Stay tuned for news on this.
Side note: My day job is not in TV writing still, though I get paid for it.
YOUR REFLECTION/ACTION: Go so-badass you know you’ll fail2. Do it anyway. Success is possible (if not probable) when we risk failing.
Note: I may/may not fail with the romantic thriller but it sure as dammit will lead to something else. I’m certain of that.
NUGGET #3. BADASSES STOP WAITING FOR PERMISSION
Grandmaster chess player Anna Muzychuk refused to compete to defend her World Fast Chess and Blitz Championship titles in Saudi Arabia, back in 2017. She boycotted the competition because:
“I refuse to play by special rules - to be accompanied by a man so I can leave the hotel, I won't feel like a second class person”.
Anna Muzychuk
The fact that she was permitted to attend competitions only if a man escorted her was enough to have her step away from these major events.
By not competing and missing out on the chance to win these championships, she was willing to live with the uncertainty of what would happen to her chess career. She worked it out on the fly; relentless resourcefulness is a marker of badassery.
The Result: Anna Muzychuk remains one of the world’s most elite chess players.
~ ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION/JOURNAL: If you were to wave a badass wand and could change one thing in your life right now (to hell with permission), what would that be?
I work with and know enough badasses to be sure this moniker does not hinge on a 5am start to the day or a take-no-prisoners personality. The shocker for the corporate person who gave me that feedback centred around the fact that I’m, in her words, “personable, kind and softly spoken”.
Those of us who are perceived as badass may well demonstrate common traits (whatever our life circumstances) and can include that we:
Stand up for ourselves
Don’t shy away from tough questions
Display a low threshold for bullshit
Care more for what we are committed towards than winning popularity contests
Refuse to know our place
Surround ourselves with a badass crew (BC), whatever that looks like. Companionship and accountability matter to badasses
Live on our own terms ~ banish the idea that being a badass is about Type A overachievement. It can be zero to do with this!
My final nugget for you to consider is this - let’s call it a Bonus badass Question. Ask yourself and/or journal on this:
How Badass does the Universe want you to be?
Answers: Over to you Friends!
THANKS + EXTRA BADASS NUGGETS
Thanks so much for reading Parents Who Think! I was meant to complete the ABOUT page for what this publication is all about… but instead wrote this piece on a badass whim! If you have any questions, feedback, or suggestions for future issues, click reply directly to this email or leave them in the comments.
In celebration of all things badass,
Don’t miss this convo I had with New York Times bestselling author, Nic Stone. Confession. This pod episode wasn't *supposed* to be called BITCH but as soon as she hopped on the recording it was clear, as she puts it, she’s a full blown 𝚋𝚊𝚍 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑. So here we are, an episode alllll about reclaiming the slur "BITCH!" and owning the power of being a bitch. I know my stuff, this is priceless💥
Listen to my short interview with the one and only Erica Jong: badass feminist icon who’s sold over 35 million books worldwide and coined the term “zipless fuck”. She paved the way, with her indomitable spirit, and wrote transparently, with risk, about her longings and actions. Erica, almost 80 when we spoke and still writing btw, joined me to explore living on the edge.
RubyETC is a cartoonist, illustrator and author - she takes silliness very seriously:
The focus of this piece is on women badasses. My intention is not to suggest that it’s women solely that need to build badassery, or that men don’t need this. Being Badass is a set of human skills.
Warning: this is not advice to take reckless moves that put you in any danger of any kind financially, physically, emotionally or sexually.
I read your article a few days ago and paused—not in a bad way, but in a highly resonant way. However, I wasn't quite sure how to articulate myself. Here goes.
Before - at work in the early days as the young-looking Asian female, the potential poster child for DEI- I carefully picked my business/budget/leadership and HR battles. At the same time, I navigated an upward trajectory/ladder. I also capitalised on times when some people thought they knew better than me. Being the underdog and being 'underestimated' presents brilliant opportunities. I was blessed with insightful, seasoned and empowering mentors.
I've sat through sheep-nodding meetings, derogatory jokes and been told to have more gravitas or directive strong statements in a presentation.
There is the 'company line' 'the system' especially in corporations that can smother diversity BUT as you point out leaders, true leaders need to role model value-led leadership, diversity and deference to experts instead of the old pretending the person at the top knows everything - it's humanly impossible!
So now, may I offer, that I'd love us to completely redefine and role model leadership, in a similar way that Jim Collins says Level 5 leadership. So, that we don't use the old male terms and try to redefine what's already there, but paradigm shift, and disrupt definitions to non-gendered NEW good.
In the same way that essential skills were segmented out of business, these historically termed 'soft skills' are critical for agile business models, high-performance innovation, creativity, and lean production. I tell my mentoring clients this and help them walk this path.
Do we have to expend effort at changing the existing paradigm (or stubborn heads), or can we leap ahead with a different vision (as you've set out)? The role models already exist...
Long comment!! Does this resonate?
Absolutely love the reframing of "badass" here! This whole "thoughtful badass" concept is inspiring. It's not about being cold or aggressive, but about believing in yourself and going after your dreams with kindness and strength.
The stories were great examples, especially Helen Packham refusing to let "no" stop her. The idea of embracing failure as part of the badass journey is powerful too.
This is definitely going to make me think about how I can be more badass in my own life. Thanks for sharing!