Swapping out mother for carer - genius and a big yes! I don’t mind one bit.
I’m happy you’re making this point. This piece is specific to my mothering and how I don’t feel cut out for it all the time 365 days a year. That’s so obvious but because mothers are assumed to be and expected to offer endless unconditional love for others before themselves it’s worth mentioning.
I absolutely don’t regret being a mother. I have lots of other regrets that have nothing to do with motherhood. I regret allowing my extreme people pleasing to cost me my dreams. I regret not standing up for myself sooner and I regret not telling bullies off sooner. My decisions I made while being an extreme people pleaser sadly do affect me now (such as where I live as I cannot just get up and go) and I’ll always regret that.
It's so interesting that you mention regrets. First, I'm applauding you for all the moves you made, and make, to stop extreme people pleasing. And yes, I hear your decisions cost you dearly and across many ways.
As I wrote this piece regret didn't enter my head. Not for a second. Marrow deep regret about being a mother is not how I ever feel. I'm grateful for that. Thank you for sharing - I love your take on things!
Thank you and these are regrets I’ll unfortunately live for life. But I can’t turn back the clock. Unfortunately I’m aware there are many parents who do regret having kids but not me.
Being a mother is so much. Someone recently said to me when I told that most of my time is spent being a SAHM, “oh that must be so fun! Coloring, playing outside - no corporate culture bullshit.” And I didn’t know this person well enough to fully unload my thoughts. But being a stay at home parent is like having the fire alarm go off every 2-5 minutes for 12-14 hours a day. It’s so much on the nervous system. I’m fairly desensitized to it at this point but it’s SO MUCH all at once but yet you accomplish nothing every day. It’s an odd existence, I’ve had bad bouts of depression but I regret nothing. I can see how much it benefits my kids and I can see how much it’s taught me and how much growth I’ve experienced living it. When I’m in the hard days I try and remember how short these tiny baby and toddler years are in the grand scheme of their lives and I remind myself that diamonds are made under pressure. And I also often daydream about the day where it’s just me and my husband again 😂 and it all helps.
Brilliant thought-provoking essay. I'm not a mother, but I can swap out 'motherhood' for eldercare or caregiving in the broader sense of all-encompassing care! E.g. 'I’m sick of the version of motherhood that’s simultaneously revered and at the same time denigrated. In one hand held up as the holy grail, while in the other treated as a nothing.'
Agree—brutal and beautiful. My main blessing (still thinking as a carer) is that eyes wide open, I had a choice (many don't and feel obligated or manipulated to take on 'the burden'), and head-heart-gut aligned, I don't regret or question that choice. Joys and tragedy, the human-ness of it all is such a bittersweet paradox of vulnerability. I hope you don't mind me pulling the 'carer' thread!
I know what's it like when we say a few meaningful words that go into a void. It's understandable. It's noticeable you spoke of this topic from a child-free perspective and I'd not want to pedestal motherhood. Hug landed x
Hello Victoria, I'm not sure what the blip was here but I replied before but can't see it.
I'm thrilled you 'pulled the carer thread' - Thank you. This is about outright denigration of care AND structural dependence of that 24/7 care so many of us provide. As ever, I love your work. Really hope we can meet up one day in London.
Thanks, Danusia! can I quote you on that- 'This is about outright denigration of care AND structural dependence of that 24/7 care so many of us provide' It's a great summary!
It would be great to meet up, one day! Hope karma will help us ;-)
There's a typo in it. It ought to say this: 'This is about outright denigration of care AND structural dependence on that 24/7 care so many of us provide'
I strongly agree with what you say at the start, if I could choose I would do it again. But not like this. Not in these conditions. Instead of feeling valued, I feel like most aspects of life are actively working against me, trying not to empower me in case I want too much. This might be amplified as a single mother of children with additional needs but I know others feel it. I learn to mother myself daily to rise when I need to but fall again the next minute, this is not linear and never feels enough. I often wonder - will either of my girls want to be a mother after seeing my experience? I'm not sure it looks that appealing. Yet I would do it again?!?
It’s sad to hear that most aspects of life are not working to build you up Lisa!
You make a great point about compounding factors like being a single mother raising kids with additional needs.
Those mothering self moments can be fleeting for sure. Ooh will your girls want to mother in the same conditions? I hope your girls and mine have more nourishing structural conditions than the ones we experience.
No regrets here about being a mother - I regret the conditions!
Beautiful, brutal... Parenthood is such a paradox. It's a tragedy and a comedy all at once.
What enters my mind more than the question of "would I repeat the decision to become a parent if given a chance?" is the thought "I'm not sure I'm cut out for this." That happens not during the hard moments flooded with adrenaline, but soon after, just as I'm coming off the hardest moments.
And then my "personal development mindset" kicks in (not always healthy) and acknowledges what I just survived and how this is a practice of some kind that is refining and putting my ego in check.
But this is often an attempt to avoid the feelings of sadness or shame from performing in a way that does not match my fatherhood ideal.
Yes! That's exactly the afterthought and not in the initial rush. I'm grateful you articulated this. I left the subtitle clear because it took me enough to write the piece. I couldn't also come up with that...but...I'm not sure I'm cut out for this.... is perfect. Thank you sincerely.
That personal development little machine whirrs on, what a soother it. can be. Once you've done that interim stage, what helps you access your feelings about the dissonance between your fathering and your fatherhood ideal? Do you have a practice or actions that allow this source to reveal itself?
And then there's meeting with other fathers to share stories. And there's nervous system regulation -- which may as well be code for "self-care prompting"
So great to discover your substack - I just pondered this question while cooking for what feels like the 800th time this week (why do humans have to eat 3x day!?)
I came up with this: the unconditional love and connection of mother & child is transcendental and I would choose it over and over again. But gosh, I might like being a part-time mother with three day weekends off.... and full-time support for all the 'taking care of the home' bullsh*t.
Empty mothers need to replenish --I haven't figured out how just yet.
I did just read about an IV drip that can replenish energy in 20 minutes using concentrated vitamins like B12 - I might just juice myself for a little more motherhood! (kidding, not kidding
OMG I feel the same way about 3 meals a day. Really is this the only way?!
There’s a reason many high roller women credit their success to their work wife 😉 I want to know about that IV drip. Sign me up. Full disclosure I’m already booked in with a medic about B12 shots, seriously.
Oh my Danisa ! Your piece gave me a lot to think about 😅 obviously I agree with you being a loving mother don’t prevent reflection on the choices you make in motherhood. Or if being a mother is the right choice.
Becoming a mother puts a life in your hands that depends 100% on you. Not that fathers don’t count but their role is totally different.
Giving birth puts us in a position that where power and burden live together.
Society has failed at supporting mothers, the ones without whom nobody would be on this earth. Every breath begins with us while it takes us away. We become several people in one body and soul. How could we not at least think once « how would have been my life, my career without my child/children ».
People tend to think mothers aren’t human beings with emotions and doubts. They’re mothers after all ! As if just the name suffice itself.
Does allowing us to reflect to the choice of being a mother erase the love we feel for our kids ? Absolutely not ! Love has nothing to do with it.
If mothers would benefit more consideration in this world, putting them as a central and respectful place then we wouldn’t reflect on our role.
Hi hi hi, just a little thank you for writing this post. I am not having children, by choice, and I've spent so, so much timing making that decision - and not without some pain. You're absolutely right that you should be able to speak about this! And I'm glad you have. Seems to me a lot of people, who might criticise you or criticise me, for different reasons, we can never get it right on the internet, should be told: "Calm yer tits" xx
I hope you get the opportunity!!! I'm going to keep it up my sleeve for the right occasion, a very good saying. Thank you for this lovely comment and have a lovely weekend too xx
I simply adore you for writing the hard stuff. I ask myself this question all the time, particularly lately when my childless friends are having such fun and such indulgent beautiful and spontaneous times and I CRAVE it! Meanwhile, most of them are craving the love and stability I have.
But I know the answer is yes I would, even though I still like to ask it. The question is more indicative of the wider missing conversations about what we inevitably lose, not how much love we feel for our kids.
Above all else; the way they love US, the way they look at us like we are God - I couldn’t imagine a greater privilege. I couldn’t imagine experiencing this and then not choosing it 💔
PS of course I’ll ask myself again when my daughter is a teen and doesn’t want me around 😂
Thank you for having the courage to write this Danusia. I (mostly) love being a mother, but I detest the modern cultural construction of motherhood. The two things are quite distinct in my mind. The whole 'cherish every moment' narrative keeps mothers silent and ashamed for having ambivalent feelings about motherhood. This is where much of the work I do with my coaching/therapy clients sits - helping them realise they don't have to live up to a perfect mother myth in a society which puts mothers on a pedestal but does f*ck all to support them.
I feel like I've made a tiny bit of progress in mothering myself this week. It's rained all week and it's the holidays, whilst my kids are happy on screen I've allowed myself a bath one day and a nap on the sofa another day instead of working or doing household tasks. And it's been great!
Beautiful and thought provoking nothing less than anticipated from a deep thinker - to mother myself is something I haven’t come to terms with until with my second baby, when I was forced to tell myself that you can take a break, breathe a moment, if it means you leave everything in chaos in the house and clients wait an extra day. It’s ok. I’ve always been a hard worker and so to allow myself to take a break (can sometimes mean to try and nap with my children, another to just decide to NOt work at night but watch something non-intellectual on YouTube or simply do nothing in particular at all has been enormous
Elin, thank you! I’ve come to realise that mothering ourselves looks so different. Mothering myself is sometimes hyper focusing on something that draws me away from my motherhood and looks like burn out to others. Other times it looks like rest from work!
I love the way you talk about non intellectual YouTube stuff. And being non productive. Hard workers are challenged by inactivity 🤣😉
Loool you’re so right, non-work stuff are challenging!! I felt like I did something wrong when I had to fight to learn to do nothing… it doesn’t fill my cup as much though as actually working on something (which as you say, from the outside looks like I’m always on burnout mode and all my life I’ve been told I need to chill…), when I engage in nothing activities it’s mostly out of sleep deprivation and simply no other choice lol 😆 I’m so thankful we crossed each others path so I feel less alone in my craziness 💞💞
What a compromising moment Casey! Sounds like you had great control 🥹
Yes to the assault on the nervous system - it’s relentless, seemingly unproductive yet a triumph each day.
Daydreams are lifesavers ❤️
Swapping out mother for carer - genius and a big yes! I don’t mind one bit.
I’m happy you’re making this point. This piece is specific to my mothering and how I don’t feel cut out for it all the time 365 days a year. That’s so obvious but because mothers are assumed to be and expected to offer endless unconditional love for others before themselves it’s worth mentioning.
Thankful my words landed well with you xx
I absolutely don’t regret being a mother. I have lots of other regrets that have nothing to do with motherhood. I regret allowing my extreme people pleasing to cost me my dreams. I regret not standing up for myself sooner and I regret not telling bullies off sooner. My decisions I made while being an extreme people pleaser sadly do affect me now (such as where I live as I cannot just get up and go) and I’ll always regret that.
It's so interesting that you mention regrets. First, I'm applauding you for all the moves you made, and make, to stop extreme people pleasing. And yes, I hear your decisions cost you dearly and across many ways.
As I wrote this piece regret didn't enter my head. Not for a second. Marrow deep regret about being a mother is not how I ever feel. I'm grateful for that. Thank you for sharing - I love your take on things!
Thank you and these are regrets I’ll unfortunately live for life. But I can’t turn back the clock. Unfortunately I’m aware there are many parents who do regret having kids but not me.
Being a mother is so much. Someone recently said to me when I told that most of my time is spent being a SAHM, “oh that must be so fun! Coloring, playing outside - no corporate culture bullshit.” And I didn’t know this person well enough to fully unload my thoughts. But being a stay at home parent is like having the fire alarm go off every 2-5 minutes for 12-14 hours a day. It’s so much on the nervous system. I’m fairly desensitized to it at this point but it’s SO MUCH all at once but yet you accomplish nothing every day. It’s an odd existence, I’ve had bad bouts of depression but I regret nothing. I can see how much it benefits my kids and I can see how much it’s taught me and how much growth I’ve experienced living it. When I’m in the hard days I try and remember how short these tiny baby and toddler years are in the grand scheme of their lives and I remind myself that diamonds are made under pressure. And I also often daydream about the day where it’s just me and my husband again 😂 and it all helps.
Brilliant thought-provoking essay. I'm not a mother, but I can swap out 'motherhood' for eldercare or caregiving in the broader sense of all-encompassing care! E.g. 'I’m sick of the version of motherhood that’s simultaneously revered and at the same time denigrated. In one hand held up as the holy grail, while in the other treated as a nothing.'
Agree—brutal and beautiful. My main blessing (still thinking as a carer) is that eyes wide open, I had a choice (many don't and feel obligated or manipulated to take on 'the burden'), and head-heart-gut aligned, I don't regret or question that choice. Joys and tragedy, the human-ness of it all is such a bittersweet paradox of vulnerability. I hope you don't mind me pulling the 'carer' thread!
ps. I see my reply to you way down the thread. Happy to be human over here ;)
Oh pls don't worry - perfectly imperfect is my common phrase. Thanks for taking the time to re-comment here ;-) Big hug
I know what's it like when we say a few meaningful words that go into a void. It's understandable. It's noticeable you spoke of this topic from a child-free perspective and I'd not want to pedestal motherhood. Hug landed x
Thank you!!
Hello Victoria, I'm not sure what the blip was here but I replied before but can't see it.
I'm thrilled you 'pulled the carer thread' - Thank you. This is about outright denigration of care AND structural dependence of that 24/7 care so many of us provide. As ever, I love your work. Really hope we can meet up one day in London.
Thanks, Danusia! can I quote you on that- 'This is about outright denigration of care AND structural dependence of that 24/7 care so many of us provide' It's a great summary!
It would be great to meet up, one day! Hope karma will help us ;-)
Of course Victoria!
There's a typo in it. It ought to say this: 'This is about outright denigration of care AND structural dependence on that 24/7 care so many of us provide'
Karma loves us.
I strongly agree with what you say at the start, if I could choose I would do it again. But not like this. Not in these conditions. Instead of feeling valued, I feel like most aspects of life are actively working against me, trying not to empower me in case I want too much. This might be amplified as a single mother of children with additional needs but I know others feel it. I learn to mother myself daily to rise when I need to but fall again the next minute, this is not linear and never feels enough. I often wonder - will either of my girls want to be a mother after seeing my experience? I'm not sure it looks that appealing. Yet I would do it again?!?
It’s sad to hear that most aspects of life are not working to build you up Lisa!
You make a great point about compounding factors like being a single mother raising kids with additional needs.
Those mothering self moments can be fleeting for sure. Ooh will your girls want to mother in the same conditions? I hope your girls and mine have more nourishing structural conditions than the ones we experience.
No regrets here about being a mother - I regret the conditions!
Beautiful, brutal... Parenthood is such a paradox. It's a tragedy and a comedy all at once.
What enters my mind more than the question of "would I repeat the decision to become a parent if given a chance?" is the thought "I'm not sure I'm cut out for this." That happens not during the hard moments flooded with adrenaline, but soon after, just as I'm coming off the hardest moments.
And then my "personal development mindset" kicks in (not always healthy) and acknowledges what I just survived and how this is a practice of some kind that is refining and putting my ego in check.
But this is often an attempt to avoid the feelings of sadness or shame from performing in a way that does not match my fatherhood ideal.
Yes! That's exactly the afterthought and not in the initial rush. I'm grateful you articulated this. I left the subtitle clear because it took me enough to write the piece. I couldn't also come up with that...but...I'm not sure I'm cut out for this.... is perfect. Thank you sincerely.
That personal development little machine whirrs on, what a soother it. can be. Once you've done that interim stage, what helps you access your feelings about the dissonance between your fathering and your fatherhood ideal? Do you have a practice or actions that allow this source to reveal itself?
Yes. I write 🌻
And then there's meeting with other fathers to share stories. And there's nervous system regulation -- which may as well be code for "self-care prompting"
Oh my goodness, I love "What I know is this: with every worn down and worn out softened version of myself comes deeper wisdom."
That feels so true in my bones.
Thank you for being here and for commenting. Means so much to me! ♥️
Sighs.
I read that sentence and thought, “Gosh I like that one” - silly me, took me a moment to land I wrote it. Tiredness…😘
LOL we've all been there!! From one tired mother to another 🥰❤️
So great to discover your substack - I just pondered this question while cooking for what feels like the 800th time this week (why do humans have to eat 3x day!?)
I came up with this: the unconditional love and connection of mother & child is transcendental and I would choose it over and over again. But gosh, I might like being a part-time mother with three day weekends off.... and full-time support for all the 'taking care of the home' bullsh*t.
Empty mothers need to replenish --I haven't figured out how just yet.
I did just read about an IV drip that can replenish energy in 20 minutes using concentrated vitamins like B12 - I might just juice myself for a little more motherhood! (kidding, not kidding
looking forward to reading ~
OMG I feel the same way about 3 meals a day. Really is this the only way?!
There’s a reason many high roller women credit their success to their work wife 😉 I want to know about that IV drip. Sign me up. Full disclosure I’m already booked in with a medic about B12 shots, seriously.
Thanks for being here!
Oh my Danisa ! Your piece gave me a lot to think about 😅 obviously I agree with you being a loving mother don’t prevent reflection on the choices you make in motherhood. Or if being a mother is the right choice.
Becoming a mother puts a life in your hands that depends 100% on you. Not that fathers don’t count but their role is totally different.
Giving birth puts us in a position that where power and burden live together.
Society has failed at supporting mothers, the ones without whom nobody would be on this earth. Every breath begins with us while it takes us away. We become several people in one body and soul. How could we not at least think once « how would have been my life, my career without my child/children ».
People tend to think mothers aren’t human beings with emotions and doubts. They’re mothers after all ! As if just the name suffice itself.
Does allowing us to reflect to the choice of being a mother erase the love we feel for our kids ? Absolutely not ! Love has nothing to do with it.
If mothers would benefit more consideration in this world, putting them as a central and respectful place then we wouldn’t reflect on our role.
Beautifully put.
You're right. Love has nothing to do with it.
So happy to see you here too!
ps. fave new names I've been called include Danish, as well as Delicious. If the shoe fits ;)
Sorry typing mistake on your name… @danusia
Hi hi hi, just a little thank you for writing this post. I am not having children, by choice, and I've spent so, so much timing making that decision - and not without some pain. You're absolutely right that you should be able to speak about this! And I'm glad you have. Seems to me a lot of people, who might criticise you or criticise me, for different reasons, we can never get it right on the internet, should be told: "Calm yer tits" xx
Love your note here. Bravo for your decision. None of my business anyway but as you told me about this painful process I want to say a congrats.
I'll let you know if I utter "Calm yer tits" to anyone.
Happy weekend when you get to it Kate.
I hope you get the opportunity!!! I'm going to keep it up my sleeve for the right occasion, a very good saying. Thank you for this lovely comment and have a lovely weekend too xx
I simply adore you for writing the hard stuff. I ask myself this question all the time, particularly lately when my childless friends are having such fun and such indulgent beautiful and spontaneous times and I CRAVE it! Meanwhile, most of them are craving the love and stability I have.
But I know the answer is yes I would, even though I still like to ask it. The question is more indicative of the wider missing conversations about what we inevitably lose, not how much love we feel for our kids.
Above all else; the way they love US, the way they look at us like we are God - I couldn’t imagine a greater privilege. I couldn’t imagine experiencing this and then not choosing it 💔
PS of course I’ll ask myself again when my daughter is a teen and doesn’t want me around 😂
YES YES YES - imagining all that spontaneity and potential self focus while they're wanting what you have!
Love what you say about missing conversations - we need to normalise these transgressive thoughts. Thank you for being an amazing thought partner x
ps. you made me giggle, it might be two way - eek!
Thank you for having the courage to write this Danusia. I (mostly) love being a mother, but I detest the modern cultural construction of motherhood. The two things are quite distinct in my mind. The whole 'cherish every moment' narrative keeps mothers silent and ashamed for having ambivalent feelings about motherhood. This is where much of the work I do with my coaching/therapy clients sits - helping them realise they don't have to live up to a perfect mother myth in a society which puts mothers on a pedestal but does f*ck all to support them.
I feel like I've made a tiny bit of progress in mothering myself this week. It's rained all week and it's the holidays, whilst my kids are happy on screen I've allowed myself a bath one day and a nap on the sofa another day instead of working or doing household tasks. And it's been great!
Whoop whoop that sounds amazing. You inspired me to take a bath.
Isn’t napping delicious?! It’s an art. Love hearing about your self- mothering progress Faith ♥️
Beautiful and thought provoking nothing less than anticipated from a deep thinker - to mother myself is something I haven’t come to terms with until with my second baby, when I was forced to tell myself that you can take a break, breathe a moment, if it means you leave everything in chaos in the house and clients wait an extra day. It’s ok. I’ve always been a hard worker and so to allow myself to take a break (can sometimes mean to try and nap with my children, another to just decide to NOt work at night but watch something non-intellectual on YouTube or simply do nothing in particular at all has been enormous
Elin, thank you! I’ve come to realise that mothering ourselves looks so different. Mothering myself is sometimes hyper focusing on something that draws me away from my motherhood and looks like burn out to others. Other times it looks like rest from work!
I love the way you talk about non intellectual YouTube stuff. And being non productive. Hard workers are challenged by inactivity 🤣😉
Loool you’re so right, non-work stuff are challenging!! I felt like I did something wrong when I had to fight to learn to do nothing… it doesn’t fill my cup as much though as actually working on something (which as you say, from the outside looks like I’m always on burnout mode and all my life I’ve been told I need to chill…), when I engage in nothing activities it’s mostly out of sleep deprivation and simply no other choice lol 😆 I’m so thankful we crossed each others path so I feel less alone in my craziness 💞💞
It's so much about our capacities. We know ourselves ;)
You're not alone my crazy friend!