Danusia… WHY do you have ten children?””^^ Love this question.
The next post should be about unsolicited advice from people with ZERO kids ^^
If someone asks me something about my kids or gives me unsolicited advice I give a short answer (maybe I’ll skip this part after reading Danusia’s post!) and then ask:
Each time a woman reminds the world that any of her choices (e.g., motherhood, parenthood, singletonhood) belong to her and not to the world itself, there is progress. Keep writing!!!
I have five beautiful kids -- it would be *incredible* if people stopped asking me "How many kids do you want, anyway?" I don't know! All I know is that the ones we have are amazing. Can't imagine my life without any of them. Thanks for the question-dodging tips 😂
Hi Meredith! Oh THAT question has to be one of the roll-around-laughing ones. And what with you being so young, and your hands being so full and all that. Argh.
I found just as I had ‘another’ baby people would move so fast to the next imagined pregnancy and trot out that question. Please give me me a minute! Ps. My triplets slowed questions down. People were stopped in their tracks.
I love this - answer a question with a reframed question. (“that’s an interesting question and the better question for me is…[insert new question]” then answer the new question you just made up. The one you want to answer.)
Thank you for bringing clarity to this “Maintaining a facade of originality for the sake of the other person is all part of this social dance.” I notice this all the time but hasn’t landed upon such a great expression for it.
Something I learned when in the dating world, you know, when bombarded with questions (because somehow that’s supposed to make for conversation!) was to QUESTION THE QUESTION
Why do you ask?
I think this kind of approach is the refusal to do the polite social dance!
LOVE your reference to dating here. Because yes it's as if all bets are off. No question is too personal, too icky, too rude, too close to the knuckle.
This depends on us colluding along, dancing in that polite social scene muffling discomfort.
Quick example. As if I owe anyone ever the answer to, "Are your triplets natural?" Odd question to start out with but last time I looked they seemed pretty natural to me. Ha.
Haha that's great! I don't have any fantastic one liners yet, but I'm open to suggestions. I usually find myself sharing some version of the truth, which leaves me with a vulnerability hangover.
I’m all in for telling the truth in life usually but if people ask over personal questions they must expect to get a little artistic licence back. It would be rude to disappoint them, right?!
Depending on the situation and my mood, I’d try one of these:
We only have sex for recreation now, but thanks for asking! - followed by a Big smile
Just as soon as my hubby is out of prison. Delivered with a straight face.
My friend was badgered by her mum in law to have another child. In the end she said, “I'll call you up when I'm ovulating, bring your phone and you can record the conception, we'd love an audience!
When someone mentioned (again) about my triplets and “how do I do it?” I did snip a little with, “guess looking after these kids keeps me out of jail”.
For the record I’ve not been to jail, yet. It’s so left field the woman (on a bus btw) couldn’t speak. Job done 😉
These are all really good! I used to say my kid is like raising 2. Or that he was a miracle. Both do stop the questions. But both are true, and it would be fun to come up with a one-liner that stopped people from ever asking anyone ever again. I'll need to simmer on it.
My friend Stacey wrote this, which I love:
"I don’t know about the rest of the world, but here in Brooklyn people love to comment on everything. It’s like constantly being booked on a talk show. My least favorite is when someone says something to Dash like, “Don’t you want a little brother or sister?” Not up to you, person, and not up to my seven-year-old, either!"
On that note though, I’d love if people stopped announcing their vasectomies and posting the newborn announcements with “our family is complete” or some other way of saying “no more kids for us.” I just don’t need to know!! And give yourself some time! No one is making you announce it. The number of those announcements probably makes it all the more likely people want to ask you these questions.
So glad you raised this vasectomy announcement thing. Am I the only one who jolts to visuals of testicles and more when I hear/read about this? Anyhow...it's interesting what us humans think is fascinating info such that it needs to be shared.
And good point. If these people could stay schtum about impending 'chops' I might not need to rant on about these questions, as they might not be asked! Living in hope...
So I didn't get to work yet! Instead, I read this and recognised it. We have four children and have fostered and the number of times people have asked me: why so many? A writer I admire greatly asked me once if it was sabotage to my writing life to have so many children. I didn't know what to say, or how to answer, and I stood there speechless (which anyone who knows me knows is rare). And for a long time, I wondered if she had rendered me speechless because perhaps she was right--maybe I had ruined my own writing life.
Except. That wasn't it at all. Anyway, thank you for writing this.
Hi Alice, you made me laugh about not getting to work!
It’s an interesting collapse of several kids + sabotage. As if your choice/happening to mother lots or the amount that others think are lots is a deliberate attempt to trip your professional potential up.
It smacks of a narrative that doesn’t work if we apply it to father writers. At least I’m not sure how many men are asked that kind of sabotage question.
It’s built on the premise that you’ll be holding all things kids and domestic up. Who knows, I’d rather not assume that even though I know the stats 😉
Do you know how many men are asked that sabotage question? I'm going to take a super wild guess.
NONE!!! Not one. Never. Any bloke can correct me if I'm wrong. But, the thing is, as youy say, the question recognises too that in the way our society is set up women DO often end up taking on more of the caregiving roles and that DOES make it harder to work. I want to mother and to write and that is a challenge, partly because I often don't get to finish a thought, never mind a sentence.
Take this weekend. NO work happened. Not an iota! But I did do some fun stuff with my kids!
SIGH. People always have to “FIND OUT” or “get to the bottom of this,” when I fact they could just share joy and amazement of having a wonderful family - I can only imagine how many stories you have from that experience!
But nope - we must unearth the private and deeply personal reasons for things instead! Bleh!
You got it Seth! It’s the grind down of resisting ‘interested enquiries’ that’s real. It might be simpler to answer BUT that erodes something more important in the end.
Mom of eight living kids here. I sent this to my text group of mom friends, with 5, 8, and 9 kids between them. LOVE the reframing the question, the dodge, and also the potential for snarky answers. This question points to yet another way our world is broken. Children are a gift, and the process by which we receive them is hands-down amazing. People should be asking, “How do you handle all the blessings?!” Okay, and also “how has adjusting to life with so many humans changed you?” Instead of the default which assumes that somehow, your family MUST have been a mistake. Thanks for your words!
Oh good lord, I can only imagine the comments you receive. I have three children under five and people are positively foaming at the mouth to question my choices, question if I understand contraception or if I couldn't find anything good on the Tele, question if I still have a pelvic floor. I'd like all questions of this nature to end, personally, because they serve no purpose other than to make me feel like the person asking thinks I might be a bit stupid, and that my body must now be at least slightly defective. I'd also quite like people to stop asking if I plan to 'round it out with another girl' - I didn't have a choice in the gender of my first three children, I'm not sure my womb would ask my preference if I went for a fourth?
Oh my you DO have your hands full Charlotte 🤣 slap me now I’m being naughty.
I find the ‘bucket’ jokes bizarre akin to the pelvic floor question. Good word there defective except it’s the opposite. What extraordinary bodies we have!
And oh dear the gender question. Yawn. My first four are boys. I feel for you. Not for the kids you have, for all these inane questions. 🤦♀️
This is a fantastic post, Danusia. That balance of a terrible question from not (necessarily) a terrible person is so worthy.
I can imagine that in the mind of the interviewer the innocent defense is "well, people would want to know." Except these kinds of questions are invasive and reek of tabloid logic.
Thank you for this illustration re: how I assert my boundary is within my control.
And I appreciate your sensitivity in asking folks you interview what to NOT ask. I'm borrowing that one!
Your mind-reading abilities are fully operational, Danusia -- the thought of being a guest of yours emerged before you mentioned it! Plus, I'd love to have you as a guest on my podcast. Look for my Direct Message (yay, new features!) on Substack to inquire further on both fronts ; )
Ooof - thank you for sharing. It’s not just a personal anecdote but a micro masterclass for us all in how to manage those questions we don’t want to answer.
Thank you for this bit of wisdom: "I say, 'that’s an interesting question and the better question for me is…[insert new question]' then answer the new question you just made up. The one you want to answer." I will carry it with me. I would love for people to stop asking me why I chose not to have children, my answers are never satisfactory. There is freedom in the revelation that I don't have to answer!
Huh. Interesting that someone would ask WHY? To me, if someone has a lot (more than 3, these days) of kids, I’d be in silent awe of them, and think WOW, what a blessing!
I knew a woman, when I was growing up, who had 11 kiddos. In fact, the last time I saw her, she and I were both in line registering kids for high school! lol. But she always left me in awe.
I’m super grateful for your words. They had me smiling. Plus wondering about something. Here’s what that is.
I had a hunch the emotion behind the word awe might give us a clue. I hear your sentiment by the way and can’t express how grateful I am for your kindness. 🙏🏻💞 we’re a happy gang in our home. It’s not what most picture. It’s tidy, calm and industrious with loads of chat and laughter.
Anyway back to awe. Here’s etymological info: “according to the Oxford English Dictionary, awe meant fear. By two hundred fifty years ago, it meant respect with an undercurrent of fear, a meaning it still has today. In 1851, in a definition so on the mark that the OED included it in its entry for the word, John Ruskin defined awe as the recognition of something as highly dangerous, even though it does not pose an immediate threat to oneself”.
In NOISE: A manifesto for modern motherhood, my book, I write about how mothers are often perceived as dangerous. The remnants of fear of women’s knowing, our capacities, strength - the list can go on…we’re still perceived as dangerous.
Fascinating! Coming from an evangelical upbringing, myself, I see the origins of that word relating to Scriptures. But it’s interesting that it still holds the undercurrent of fear… I didn’t mean that at all, obviously, so I apologize, and thank you for the insight! (my meaning was truly just “respect”). 🙃
Danusia… WHY do you have ten children?””^^ Love this question.
The next post should be about unsolicited advice from people with ZERO kids ^^
If someone asks me something about my kids or gives me unsolicited advice I give a short answer (maybe I’ll skip this part after reading Danusia’s post!) and then ask:
“Well, do you also have children?”
95% don’t have kids!
BOOM!
Mind your own business.
A wonderful piece for all Moms of Substack!
OMG …how funny.
Well. You want the truth?
No one gives me unsolicited advice.
That would be like telling the Pope how to pray. <weird idea I’m embarrassed to put myself along with>
I’ve written a post elsewhere on unsolicited advice being a form of dominance, always.
Means the world to me you read this and commented.
Big plans afoot 😉
Each time a woman reminds the world that any of her choices (e.g., motherhood, parenthood, singletonhood) belong to her and not to the world itself, there is progress. Keep writing!!!
Yes, exactly that! Thanks for your cheering on. And I didn’t even ask for it either 🤣 means the world x
I have five beautiful kids -- it would be *incredible* if people stopped asking me "How many kids do you want, anyway?" I don't know! All I know is that the ones we have are amazing. Can't imagine my life without any of them. Thanks for the question-dodging tips 😂
Hi Meredith! Oh THAT question has to be one of the roll-around-laughing ones. And what with you being so young, and your hands being so full and all that. Argh.
I found just as I had ‘another’ baby people would move so fast to the next imagined pregnancy and trot out that question. Please give me me a minute! Ps. My triplets slowed questions down. People were stopped in their tracks.
I saw a picture of your triplets in one of your other posts 😍 -- my kids ask me for twins all the time, but I've told them I'm not in charge of that.
I love this - answer a question with a reframed question. (“that’s an interesting question and the better question for me is…[insert new question]” then answer the new question you just made up. The one you want to answer.)
Thank you so much for your comment Cindy! Made my day.
I mean who said we have to answer the question we're asked ;)
Good answer!
How I love you for this badass fuck-you ness!
Thank you for bringing clarity to this “Maintaining a facade of originality for the sake of the other person is all part of this social dance.” I notice this all the time but hasn’t landed upon such a great expression for it.
Something I learned when in the dating world, you know, when bombarded with questions (because somehow that’s supposed to make for conversation!) was to QUESTION THE QUESTION
Why do you ask?
I think this kind of approach is the refusal to do the polite social dance!
LOVE your reference to dating here. Because yes it's as if all bets are off. No question is too personal, too icky, too rude, too close to the knuckle.
This depends on us colluding along, dancing in that polite social scene muffling discomfort.
Quick example. As if I owe anyone ever the answer to, "Are your triplets natural?" Odd question to start out with but last time I looked they seemed pretty natural to me. Ha.
Why do you ask? Genius.
Hahaha
The question I’m tired of is “only one?”
What a dull and rude question Kate. I’m sorry you’re subjected to that question.
I’d be inclined to think up some blush making answers.
One of my ‘favourites’ is, “are they all from the same father?”. I do believe I’ve been known to exaggerate 🙄😁
Haha that's great! I don't have any fantastic one liners yet, but I'm open to suggestions. I usually find myself sharing some version of the truth, which leaves me with a vulnerability hangover.
Oh yuk, I know that hangover well Kate.
I’m all in for telling the truth in life usually but if people ask over personal questions they must expect to get a little artistic licence back. It would be rude to disappoint them, right?!
Depending on the situation and my mood, I’d try one of these:
We only have sex for recreation now, but thanks for asking! - followed by a Big smile
Just as soon as my hubby is out of prison. Delivered with a straight face.
My friend was badgered by her mum in law to have another child. In the end she said, “I'll call you up when I'm ovulating, bring your phone and you can record the conception, we'd love an audience!
When someone mentioned (again) about my triplets and “how do I do it?” I did snip a little with, “guess looking after these kids keeps me out of jail”.
For the record I’ve not been to jail, yet. It’s so left field the woman (on a bus btw) couldn’t speak. Job done 😉
These are all really good! I used to say my kid is like raising 2. Or that he was a miracle. Both do stop the questions. But both are true, and it would be fun to come up with a one-liner that stopped people from ever asking anyone ever again. I'll need to simmer on it.
My friend Stacey wrote this, which I love:
"I don’t know about the rest of the world, but here in Brooklyn people love to comment on everything. It’s like constantly being booked on a talk show. My least favorite is when someone says something to Dash like, “Don’t you want a little brother or sister?” Not up to you, person, and not up to my seven-year-old, either!"
We were both quoted here:
https://cupofjo.com/2018/01/22/on-having-an-only-child/
I feel you!
On that note though, I’d love if people stopped announcing their vasectomies and posting the newborn announcements with “our family is complete” or some other way of saying “no more kids for us.” I just don’t need to know!! And give yourself some time! No one is making you announce it. The number of those announcements probably makes it all the more likely people want to ask you these questions.
So glad you raised this vasectomy announcement thing. Am I the only one who jolts to visuals of testicles and more when I hear/read about this? Anyhow...it's interesting what us humans think is fascinating info such that it needs to be shared.
And good point. If these people could stay schtum about impending 'chops' I might not need to rant on about these questions, as they might not be asked! Living in hope...
So I didn't get to work yet! Instead, I read this and recognised it. We have four children and have fostered and the number of times people have asked me: why so many? A writer I admire greatly asked me once if it was sabotage to my writing life to have so many children. I didn't know what to say, or how to answer, and I stood there speechless (which anyone who knows me knows is rare). And for a long time, I wondered if she had rendered me speechless because perhaps she was right--maybe I had ruined my own writing life.
Except. That wasn't it at all. Anyway, thank you for writing this.
Hi Alice, you made me laugh about not getting to work!
It’s an interesting collapse of several kids + sabotage. As if your choice/happening to mother lots or the amount that others think are lots is a deliberate attempt to trip your professional potential up.
It smacks of a narrative that doesn’t work if we apply it to father writers. At least I’m not sure how many men are asked that kind of sabotage question.
It’s built on the premise that you’ll be holding all things kids and domestic up. Who knows, I’d rather not assume that even though I know the stats 😉
Happy you visited.
Do you know how many men are asked that sabotage question? I'm going to take a super wild guess.
NONE!!! Not one. Never. Any bloke can correct me if I'm wrong. But, the thing is, as youy say, the question recognises too that in the way our society is set up women DO often end up taking on more of the caregiving roles and that DOES make it harder to work. I want to mother and to write and that is a challenge, partly because I often don't get to finish a thought, never mind a sentence.
Take this weekend. NO work happened. Not an iota! But I did do some fun stuff with my kids!
xoxo
First, I haven’t heard the word bloke for too long.
Not to take away from your rant.
I’d love to hear how about the conditions in which you write. I’m cooking something up in between everything 😉 xoxo
For sure. I'm happy to tell you all about my writing life. I can do it here or by email xoxoxo (Pretty much: short bursts, regularly. Repeat.)
SIGH. People always have to “FIND OUT” or “get to the bottom of this,” when I fact they could just share joy and amazement of having a wonderful family - I can only imagine how many stories you have from that experience!
But nope - we must unearth the private and deeply personal reasons for things instead! Bleh!
You got it Seth! It’s the grind down of resisting ‘interested enquiries’ that’s real. It might be simpler to answer BUT that erodes something more important in the end.
Thanks for your words. Great to see you here 😀
Mom of eight living kids here. I sent this to my text group of mom friends, with 5, 8, and 9 kids between them. LOVE the reframing the question, the dodge, and also the potential for snarky answers. This question points to yet another way our world is broken. Children are a gift, and the process by which we receive them is hands-down amazing. People should be asking, “How do you handle all the blessings?!” Okay, and also “how has adjusting to life with so many humans changed you?” Instead of the default which assumes that somehow, your family MUST have been a mistake. Thanks for your words!
Hello and thank you so much for sharing my piece with your group! I love the idea of that.
Your questions are SO much better ♥️ I’d love to answer them. I’ll mull over and do that. xo
Oh good lord, I can only imagine the comments you receive. I have three children under five and people are positively foaming at the mouth to question my choices, question if I understand contraception or if I couldn't find anything good on the Tele, question if I still have a pelvic floor. I'd like all questions of this nature to end, personally, because they serve no purpose other than to make me feel like the person asking thinks I might be a bit stupid, and that my body must now be at least slightly defective. I'd also quite like people to stop asking if I plan to 'round it out with another girl' - I didn't have a choice in the gender of my first three children, I'm not sure my womb would ask my preference if I went for a fourth?
Oh my you DO have your hands full Charlotte 🤣 slap me now I’m being naughty.
I find the ‘bucket’ jokes bizarre akin to the pelvic floor question. Good word there defective except it’s the opposite. What extraordinary bodies we have!
And oh dear the gender question. Yawn. My first four are boys. I feel for you. Not for the kids you have, for all these inane questions. 🤦♀️
This is a fantastic post, Danusia. That balance of a terrible question from not (necessarily) a terrible person is so worthy.
I can imagine that in the mind of the interviewer the innocent defense is "well, people would want to know." Except these kinds of questions are invasive and reek of tabloid logic.
Thank you for this illustration re: how I assert my boundary is within my control.
And I appreciate your sensitivity in asking folks you interview what to NOT ask. I'm borrowing that one!
I appreciate your thoughtful points Matthew.
You’re right. The question is seemingly innocent. And that defense is the one used. Tabloid logic needs unpacking.
Glad to help on the ‘what not to ask’ part too! I hope you’ll get involved in PWT as it grows. Maybe you’ll be a guest? 🧠+♥️
Your mind-reading abilities are fully operational, Danusia -- the thought of being a guest of yours emerged before you mentioned it! Plus, I'd love to have you as a guest on my podcast. Look for my Direct Message (yay, new features!) on Substack to inquire further on both fronts ; )
Ooof - thank you for sharing. It’s not just a personal anecdote but a micro masterclass for us all in how to manage those questions we don’t want to answer.
Love how you frame this + thanks for all your words and impact! X
Thank you for this bit of wisdom: "I say, 'that’s an interesting question and the better question for me is…[insert new question]' then answer the new question you just made up. The one you want to answer." I will carry it with me. I would love for people to stop asking me why I chose not to have children, my answers are never satisfactory. There is freedom in the revelation that I don't have to answer!
Wonderful! You owe no explanations. Bust.
I'm so happy you stopped by and wrote Laura x
Huh. Interesting that someone would ask WHY? To me, if someone has a lot (more than 3, these days) of kids, I’d be in silent awe of them, and think WOW, what a blessing!
I knew a woman, when I was growing up, who had 11 kiddos. In fact, the last time I saw her, she and I were both in line registering kids for high school! lol. But she always left me in awe.
What fun your household must be!
I’m super grateful for your words. They had me smiling. Plus wondering about something. Here’s what that is.
I had a hunch the emotion behind the word awe might give us a clue. I hear your sentiment by the way and can’t express how grateful I am for your kindness. 🙏🏻💞 we’re a happy gang in our home. It’s not what most picture. It’s tidy, calm and industrious with loads of chat and laughter.
Anyway back to awe. Here’s etymological info: “according to the Oxford English Dictionary, awe meant fear. By two hundred fifty years ago, it meant respect with an undercurrent of fear, a meaning it still has today. In 1851, in a definition so on the mark that the OED included it in its entry for the word, John Ruskin defined awe as the recognition of something as highly dangerous, even though it does not pose an immediate threat to oneself”.
In NOISE: A manifesto for modern motherhood, my book, I write about how mothers are often perceived as dangerous. The remnants of fear of women’s knowing, our capacities, strength - the list can go on…we’re still perceived as dangerous.
Sending you thanks and 💞
Fascinating! Coming from an evangelical upbringing, myself, I see the origins of that word relating to Scriptures. But it’s interesting that it still holds the undercurrent of fear… I didn’t mean that at all, obviously, so I apologize, and thank you for the insight! (my meaning was truly just “respect”). 🙃
I 💯received your words as you intended. Thank you so much for that, sincerely.
Sending you ♥️
Aw thanks so much Sarina.
Love a question retort. Tends to throw nosey people.
If people must ask questions I’m open to being entertained by a new one. That would be great fun! Thanks for your loving up. X