How These 3 Actions Cost Me Friends (But Brought Me Success)
Here’s my voice version instead 👇🏻👇🏻
I’ve been thinking about what it takes to be human. A dear friend and client of mine M died this week and I was recalling the last call we had together. During our hour, we planned where she might go for alternative care but she threw off my suggestion that she might just want to consider her will and last wishes. Then she broke into sobs. In between the wetness of her distress she shout-stuttered the phrase “I’m not ready to go”.
M knew I got that she’d never TRULY felt and lived what she most wanted in life. She hadn’t made reality what she most wanted, for many reasons. Even as she was hanging on the edge of death. While I’m digesting her vast yearnings I’ll leave my thoughts till they surface more than through a kinda cloak of recent loss. I know I’ll return to this, I can feel it.
Her death made me think about other losses as I’ve been becoming more me, & even more human. I’m talking about the losses along the way because I’ve chosen to be concentrate not diluted Danusia. Because who wants a watered down version of ourselves wishy washing about? This realisation brought intense pain to M as she faced her last days and hours.
How I came to be a stronger version of myself (the concentrated me) rather than the diluted down version, includes losing friends, except not because they died.
Here’s three of the times I lost friends but went onto live a happier life:
🍾 I lost friends when I stopped quaffing bubbly like my personality depended on it. I was the book club member who rarely read the book but always got the drinks in. That unmistakable unscrew-the metal-case-then-POP noise made me think I was one helluva party animal.
When I gave up (nearly 4.5 years ago) I discovered my drinking habits were an inadvertent cover for toxic dynamics. One bestie didn’t like that my sobriety outed her penchant for being pissed and ever so unhappy. As long as I was the biggest guzzler she could be in the shadow; her pains unnoticed.
It was hard to say arrivederci to our fortnightly booze dates, big laughs and business plotting. But, it would have spelled spiritual death for me if I’d chosen drink just to fit our friendship.
🎪 I lost friends when I rejected getting hooked on social media. My refusal to post from luxury places I was in, or fancy boardrooms where I consult, or simply to display a pretend life [placed precariously to look real] did not land well.
The gulf between friends posts relaying fantasy lives and the lives I knew they were really living became ridiculous. It was an inevitable slide away from closeness into being strangers. They started believing their own hype. I didn’t want to play act.
[Listen to this next crazy shit]
🚼 I lost friends when I went ahead with my triplet pregnancy. I’m serious when I say people walked out of my life on account of that high risk pregnancy.
There were all kinds of reasons they gave to justify throwing their arms up and walking. Often it came with unsolicited “heartfelt” feedback. Top reason was I wouldn’t have a managed termination of one or two of the babies to save the other(s).
Some said I’d lose all the babies in my bloody mindedness. Instead, what I lost was people who couldn’t trust me to work out what was right for me, no matter what they thought.
These are just three times; I’ve more to share.
As Nei-Yeh says, "When seeking to transform situations, preserve your own energy. If you wish to be able to master difficult situations, stay true to yourself." That’s the real fucking deal, right there.
📢 I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this: Have you lost friends because of something you believe strongly about? Maybe you changed and your friendships did too?
In solidarity,
I actually listened to this! I almost never listen to audio on Substack, loved your voice and stories
COVID created a noticeable divide with a long-time friend. The election, I believe, has finished the job. For years, we engaged in discussions about our differing beliefs and usually landed on agreeing to disagree but still remain friends. Since January, however, their vocal opinions online caused an unsettling in my heart. I felt physically sick from the words they were publishing via this platform. I attempted to express my feelings and was met by anger, rejection, and immaturity. At the end of the day, I have to listen to my body and my heart. My mind has been the last to get on board because it's been an unpleasant experience. I'm definitely dealing with the grief that comes with losing a best friend. In one of our last text exchanges, this person said that I shouldn't take anything personal when it came to the things published online, but I disagree. I think you are who you are, no matter the context or space. Anyway, I'm still sad about it.