I’m very familiar with the theoretical concepts and ideas you touched on but never thought about them in the context of family/ kids dynamics (since I don’t have any yet). This was a very insightful read, tank you! Xx
So much wisdom here Danusia, and I love that you also recognise the limitations as they relate to real life. I read Brigid Delaney’s book on Stoicism last year, “Reasons not to worry”, and it was a great introduction to these concepts. Control is a HUGE one for me bc of my childhood, so knowing when to surrender can be hard. The idea of “detachment” is really interesting as it relates to parenting because, of course, we all of “detached” parents from older generations, but I like the way you re-frame it. With my 3 (never mind 10!) I get exhausted taking on all their emotions / wants / needs / frustrations etc. It’s a skill to be present with them and provide the support they need without letting it drown you. A skill I’m def still working on, but thank you for clarifying some of these ideas for me! ❤️
Thank you so much for your thoughtful note! I’m really glad the piece resonated with you. I love that you brought up Brigid Delaney’s “Reasons Not to Worry” - it’s such a great intro to Stoicism, especially in the way it makes these ancient ideas feel relevant to the very complexities of modern life, like parenting.
I completely relate to what you said about control, especially how it’s shaped by our early experiences. The practice of surrender and knowing where our boundaries end is so tough when we’re conditioned to hold everything together. With parenting, it’s even more delicate. Detachment, as you said, is a tricky balance. Older generations often took it to the extreme, but I’m trying to think of it less as disengagement and more as a way to avoid being completely overwhelmed by their every emotion and need. It’s definitely a skill I’m still working on too - being there fully without losing myself in the process!
It sounds like you’re navigating it beautifully with your three (which is no small feat!). Wishing you continued strength on that journey - we’re all figuring it out together, right?
I love this, I think the magic resides in that gratitude and accountability for our personal sphere (as parents and as people) but not doing it outside the context of the system, but within it, responsible for our role in it
I’m happy to give your fab Substack a shoutout! Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how much personal writing about motherhood can often obscure the structural conditions behind those experiences.
For example, when a mother shares why staying at home to raise her children feels right or better, it’s beautiful and powerful on a personal level, unless it turns into an attack on others’ choices. But beyond that, I can’t help but ask: What systemic conditions allow her to stay home? Someone must be covering the bills, providing food, and creating that possibility. So, while her personal story is valuable, there’s a critical need to consider the larger context.
This reminds me of Stoicism. If we focus solely on personal resilience, we might end up blaming ourselves for failing to stay calm in every situation. But in reality, systemic factors play a huge role in shaping our experiences, right?
I’m very familiar with the theoretical concepts and ideas you touched on but never thought about them in the context of family/ kids dynamics (since I don’t have any yet). This was a very insightful read, tank you! Xx
I bet you’re more familiar with the theoretical principles than I am Carmen! Thanks for your graciousness.
I’m so glad you found my thoughts/experiences insightful. Maybe one day you’ll revisit them 😉
Much love xx
So much wisdom here Danusia, and I love that you also recognise the limitations as they relate to real life. I read Brigid Delaney’s book on Stoicism last year, “Reasons not to worry”, and it was a great introduction to these concepts. Control is a HUGE one for me bc of my childhood, so knowing when to surrender can be hard. The idea of “detachment” is really interesting as it relates to parenting because, of course, we all of “detached” parents from older generations, but I like the way you re-frame it. With my 3 (never mind 10!) I get exhausted taking on all their emotions / wants / needs / frustrations etc. It’s a skill to be present with them and provide the support they need without letting it drown you. A skill I’m def still working on, but thank you for clarifying some of these ideas for me! ❤️
Thank you so much for your thoughtful note! I’m really glad the piece resonated with you. I love that you brought up Brigid Delaney’s “Reasons Not to Worry” - it’s such a great intro to Stoicism, especially in the way it makes these ancient ideas feel relevant to the very complexities of modern life, like parenting.
I completely relate to what you said about control, especially how it’s shaped by our early experiences. The practice of surrender and knowing where our boundaries end is so tough when we’re conditioned to hold everything together. With parenting, it’s even more delicate. Detachment, as you said, is a tricky balance. Older generations often took it to the extreme, but I’m trying to think of it less as disengagement and more as a way to avoid being completely overwhelmed by their every emotion and need. It’s definitely a skill I’m still working on too - being there fully without losing myself in the process!
It sounds like you’re navigating it beautifully with your three (which is no small feat!). Wishing you continued strength on that journey - we’re all figuring it out together, right?
Thanks for plugging childhood unlimited :)
I love this, I think the magic resides in that gratitude and accountability for our personal sphere (as parents and as people) but not doing it outside the context of the system, but within it, responsible for our role in it
I’m happy to give your fab Substack a shoutout! Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how much personal writing about motherhood can often obscure the structural conditions behind those experiences.
For example, when a mother shares why staying at home to raise her children feels right or better, it’s beautiful and powerful on a personal level, unless it turns into an attack on others’ choices. But beyond that, I can’t help but ask: What systemic conditions allow her to stay home? Someone must be covering the bills, providing food, and creating that possibility. So, while her personal story is valuable, there’s a critical need to consider the larger context.
This reminds me of Stoicism. If we focus solely on personal resilience, we might end up blaming ourselves for failing to stay calm in every situation. But in reality, systemic factors play a huge role in shaping our experiences, right?