This article resonated. Especially no. 3. Due to ill health, I didn't have the strength to do anything but be a mother when I had my baby. I have little training in any career so no money of my own, no friends or local family to support me, so all my time was taken up with my frail child who was often ill. I have given up everything to support her, because there is no one else to do it. Her father works full time, he did help me but he was the only money earner so had to prioritise work. There's no network of support for mothers anymore, everyone is too individualistic now, there is no community anymore.
I wish there was another option than like because that’s not my emotion as I read your words Catherine.
I’m sorry you’re isolated. I’m mad that you’re expected to be selfless and it goes without the obvious that you love and cherish your child who needs you. These get entwined when they’re not.
One of the beautiful things about Substack is the growing community of mothers. Feel free to write to me. You’re not alone. AND I hear you about zero local support. We can collectively shift things.
It was kind of my own fault because I made the classic mistake- move to a totally new area where I knew no one, and then have a baby with zero contacts or support. I was seriously ill during pregnancy and so couldn't go out to make friends. I was seriously ill after the birth and couldn't go out to make friends. I had no car either, I live in a little village with few buses and everyone here is related to everyone else. Not welcoming to 'strangers'. It was a complete mess. I tell every young woman who is thinking of having a baby: MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A STRONG NETWORK TO SUPPORT YOU!
The best good news is: my frail child is now 18, recovered from illness, healthy and happy! So it was worth it, but I have no life. I escape online into fiction.
We make it about our own shortcomings. We’ve been socialised to do this. ‘It must have been something I did’ ‘if I’d made different choices I’d have not found myself (insert the word)’.
Life can often be inhospitable to mothers because it’s built systemically to be that way. It’s not individual women’s fault.
That’s wonderful news to hear your child grew and is healthy and happy. It sounds like you poured yourself into her thriving.
It’s then what mothers are left with after that immense job is done. Fiction sounds good to escape into!
I wonder how we can change it to stop the systemic inhospitability. I find I'm simultaneously envied and mocked for staying at home. I can never get it right. I'm always too (something)
Society still simultaneously idealises maternity while denigrating mothers. Those who undertake paid work outside the home, those who work within the home (SAHM) - all mothers are denigrated. There is no way to be right in others eyes, only our own. And to join forces collectively to pushback on these myths.
I've been thinking about what you asked Catherine. Thinking more.
Audre Lorde (1983) wrote that women’s desire to nurture one another is where our real power is discovered, and “it is this real connection which is so feared by a patriarchal world.” Whatever you call it; ‘the sisterhood’, ‘the matriarchy’, or ‘the village’, it comes down to the power of community to support and advocate for one another. A MATRIARCHAL REVOLUTION can change culture for the better, one that embraces multitudes of mothering situations.
Feb 16·edited Feb 16Liked by Danusia Malina-Derben
Society has cynically set women against each other. The Working Mother vs. The Stay At Home Mother. It's an ongoing fight. I have been almost exclusively criticised by other women for staying at home and having an easy life (???) while they have to go out to work. I was even accosted in the street once by a woman ranting at me for having such an easy life at home. Never met her before or since, I've no idea who she was.
That is what needs to stop. Women need to relearn to stick together and support each other, not fight to the death over who is a better mother, who has the best life etc. My older generation friends say this didn't happen to them, they supported each other. The fighting is a modern *cough* capitalism *cough* thing.
Whoa. You’ve written into much of what incites my mother rage!
I’ve known since before I became a mother that if my child grew up saying ‘I owe my mother everything, she sacrificed so much for me’ then I would have failed myself and indeed burdened her.
I loved this article and nod along a lot. I wrote about the problematic of being selfless for the rally "the march of mummies" by pregnant then screwed. The word itself sounds really odd to me. I also loved your take on guilt. Why if we don't have it at all? I know I don't have any guilt for things that people expect me to carry (even if then tell me how to overcome it), designing a reality in which guilt is not necessary in all motherhood journeys is very revolutionary
Thanks so much for your rallying supportive words. Yes I guess designing a reality in which guilt is not necessary IS very revolutionary. I sometimes forget that ;)
This article resonated. Especially no. 3. Due to ill health, I didn't have the strength to do anything but be a mother when I had my baby. I have little training in any career so no money of my own, no friends or local family to support me, so all my time was taken up with my frail child who was often ill. I have given up everything to support her, because there is no one else to do it. Her father works full time, he did help me but he was the only money earner so had to prioritise work. There's no network of support for mothers anymore, everyone is too individualistic now, there is no community anymore.
I wish there was another option than like because that’s not my emotion as I read your words Catherine.
I’m sorry you’re isolated. I’m mad that you’re expected to be selfless and it goes without the obvious that you love and cherish your child who needs you. These get entwined when they’re not.
One of the beautiful things about Substack is the growing community of mothers. Feel free to write to me. You’re not alone. AND I hear you about zero local support. We can collectively shift things.
It was kind of my own fault because I made the classic mistake- move to a totally new area where I knew no one, and then have a baby with zero contacts or support. I was seriously ill during pregnancy and so couldn't go out to make friends. I was seriously ill after the birth and couldn't go out to make friends. I had no car either, I live in a little village with few buses and everyone here is related to everyone else. Not welcoming to 'strangers'. It was a complete mess. I tell every young woman who is thinking of having a baby: MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A STRONG NETWORK TO SUPPORT YOU!
The best good news is: my frail child is now 18, recovered from illness, healthy and happy! So it was worth it, but I have no life. I escape online into fiction.
We make it about our own shortcomings. We’ve been socialised to do this. ‘It must have been something I did’ ‘if I’d made different choices I’d have not found myself (insert the word)’.
Life can often be inhospitable to mothers because it’s built systemically to be that way. It’s not individual women’s fault.
That’s wonderful news to hear your child grew and is healthy and happy. It sounds like you poured yourself into her thriving.
It’s then what mothers are left with after that immense job is done. Fiction sounds good to escape into!
I wonder how we can change it to stop the systemic inhospitability. I find I'm simultaneously envied and mocked for staying at home. I can never get it right. I'm always too (something)
Thanks for your kind comments :)
Society still simultaneously idealises maternity while denigrating mothers. Those who undertake paid work outside the home, those who work within the home (SAHM) - all mothers are denigrated. There is no way to be right in others eyes, only our own. And to join forces collectively to pushback on these myths.
I've been thinking about what you asked Catherine. Thinking more.
Audre Lorde (1983) wrote that women’s desire to nurture one another is where our real power is discovered, and “it is this real connection which is so feared by a patriarchal world.” Whatever you call it; ‘the sisterhood’, ‘the matriarchy’, or ‘the village’, it comes down to the power of community to support and advocate for one another. A MATRIARCHAL REVOLUTION can change culture for the better, one that embraces multitudes of mothering situations.
Society has cynically set women against each other. The Working Mother vs. The Stay At Home Mother. It's an ongoing fight. I have been almost exclusively criticised by other women for staying at home and having an easy life (???) while they have to go out to work. I was even accosted in the street once by a woman ranting at me for having such an easy life at home. Never met her before or since, I've no idea who she was.
That is what needs to stop. Women need to relearn to stick together and support each other, not fight to the death over who is a better mother, who has the best life etc. My older generation friends say this didn't happen to them, they supported each other. The fighting is a modern *cough* capitalism *cough* thing.
Whoa. You’ve written into much of what incites my mother rage!
I’ve known since before I became a mother that if my child grew up saying ‘I owe my mother everything, she sacrificed so much for me’ then I would have failed myself and indeed burdened her.
Thank you! Happy my words landed.
We only need to look at Mothers Day cards to see insidious messaging around the sacrificial model of motherhood.
True!!
Trying not to vomit on this one!
Ha! I’m so with you
I loved this article and nod along a lot. I wrote about the problematic of being selfless for the rally "the march of mummies" by pregnant then screwed. The word itself sounds really odd to me. I also loved your take on guilt. Why if we don't have it at all? I know I don't have any guilt for things that people expect me to carry (even if then tell me how to overcome it), designing a reality in which guilt is not necessary in all motherhood journeys is very revolutionary
Thanks so much for your rallying supportive words. Yes I guess designing a reality in which guilt is not necessary IS very revolutionary. I sometimes forget that ;)