And this is why I love you, and your work, but mostly you. You don’t hide from the scary bits or the mess. You are unashamedly, beautifully, wholly REAL, and of course you deserve to be surrounded by friends who share your values and show up as themselves. You inspire me every day my love. Here for a bowl of cheesy chips and a glass of lemonade any time. I can manage both of those one handed xxx
Louise, this means the absolute world — thank you.
And yes to the messy bits because they’re unavoidable if you’re actually living!
I don’t want friends who require polish or performative bravery. I want the ones who can sit at the table when it’s wobbly and still pass the cheesy chips. 🥰
One-handed lemonade service included, obviously. Always here. xxx
I was gutted by two words in your post: "mattered" and "misdirection." The friendship matters, as it does deeply for women, until we have to choose between ourselves, or the friendship. And then the performance of misdirection. When you're in your body, and misaligned with money-over-everything--specifically the ways it extracts more than it provides--this never feels like a choice as much as it does a conclusion.
2026 has been a long ass year, and the grief of friendship loss for women deserves it's own container.
Yes. Yes. Conclusion is exactly the word. That moment where you realise you’re no longer choosing, negotiating, or weighing things up, you’re simply recognising what has already become untenable.
And you’re right about misdirection. It’s not just external performance, it’s the bodily dissonance of being asked to stand inside something that keeps extracting while insisting it’s mutual. That’s why it doesn’t feel like drama or betrayal when it ends. It feels like 'gravity' doing its job.
The grief piece matters too. We don’t have many containers for friendship loss that isn’t explained away as “growth” or “people change.” Especially for neurodivergent women, where alignment isn’t a preference but a requirement for safety. I so understand.
Thank you for saying all this so tenderly and for reading with your whole body.
So sad when this happens. I knew a woman quite well back in the days of Blogger blogs that I had a similar relationship with. I'm not very good at holding back the truth of my life (though I do have boundaries on how much I'll share) so if I'm having a bad time of it, I'll say it. This person, however, was a funny, clever woman who fell into the influencer trap of presenting a perfect life to the world. Behind the scenes she was moaning about the way her husband never helped out around the house, their finances were a mess, she was angry and a bit of a potty mouth. To the world she was the perfect woman living the perfect life. I couldn't sustain it. To use Love Island speak, the whole thing gave me the ick.
Charlotte, what strikes me in what you’re saying isn’t the “perfect life” part, it’s the sheer labour of translation you were being asked to do!
You were relating to the real woman, while also being asked (implicitly) to tolerate a public version that required editing her anger, her mess, and her financial stress into something palatable. That gap isn’t neutral is it? Someone has to hold it and metabolise it. And often it’s the friend who knows the truth. Huh.
The ick makes total sense. Simply as self-protection. A body saying: I can’t keep carrying this split for both of us.
I think a lot of women back away at that point not one bit because they lack care or love or generosity but because they’ve given way too much of it all already.
Oh yes this is so familiar in today's world of hiding all our problems but presenting a perfect image online. It isn't healthy. I've also had the experience of my words being presented online as other people's wisdom. I'm not surprised you stepped away from your friends, it was better for you.
This maybe explains why I did not get on well with commercial social media- I presented myself warts and all, and people did not like it. As a result I don't have many friends because people can't cope with all the different sides of me.
I’m really sorry you’ve had that experience — being whole shouldn’t cost you connection. There’s something very lonely about realising that “warts and all” is only welcome up to a point, and that people retreat when the picture isn’t tidy.
I hear the tenderness in what you wrote. I’m so grateful you said it here. Sending you love.
Thank you, it has happened to me a lot when people don't want to know about my problems and they run for the hills when I speak up.
However, NON commercial social media is totally different. I am on Mastodon, part of the Fediverse, and it's like another happier, friendlier world. If you haven't investigated the Fediverse, please do :)
I rhink what you describe is a form of coercion, Danusia. Friendships are above all honest and survive honesty, often become stronger though that is never guaranteed. The coercion is very subtle. You are expected to promote their positive perfection. A curated life. Yet you are expected to absorb also some of their pain and suffering in their real life without recognotiion of how living their dual life damages you. Sadly such people do not realise how much destruction lies ahead in their own life, with further collateral.damage assured, as their two lives collide and implode. You deserve better and are absolutely right to step away gently but firmly.
Thank you, Mel I really appreciate the way you named the subtle coercion in what I described.
I agree with you, and I also want to widen the frame slightly. This isn’t about individual dishonesty or personal failure. For many women, especially those earning online, a split between public presentation and private reality has become normalised, even joked about, as the price of making money.
What I’m trying to name isn’t moral wrongdoing, but the cost of that split when it lands inside friendship. Friends are often asked to absorb the pain, hold the contradictions, and stay silent so the public story can continue intact. Over time, that fracture doesn’t just damage the person performing — it damages the relationships around them too.
And it’s not limited to adults. Children are increasingly asked to participate in these public versions of family life as well, which brings its own toll.
I experienced a version of this myself beyond friendship. A while back, I was asked to stage a photograph of myself and my children around a boardroom table (my day job environment) for a commissioned exhibition about working mothers. It was prestigious, well-intentioned, and publicly validating and it asked my children to present versions of themselves that didn’t feel natural to all of them. The pressure that ask placed on them stuck with me, and it forced me to consider what it means to ask others to help hold a public narrative together.
So yes there is coercion in different forms. But it’s systemic as much as personal, and that’s the part I wanted to surface.
Thank you for reading so carefully. I’m grateful you’re here.
And this is why I love you, and your work, but mostly you. You don’t hide from the scary bits or the mess. You are unashamedly, beautifully, wholly REAL, and of course you deserve to be surrounded by friends who share your values and show up as themselves. You inspire me every day my love. Here for a bowl of cheesy chips and a glass of lemonade any time. I can manage both of those one handed xxx
Louise, this means the absolute world — thank you.
And yes to the messy bits because they’re unavoidable if you’re actually living!
I don’t want friends who require polish or performative bravery. I want the ones who can sit at the table when it’s wobbly and still pass the cheesy chips. 🥰
One-handed lemonade service included, obviously. Always here. xxx
Dearest Danusia,
I was gutted by two words in your post: "mattered" and "misdirection." The friendship matters, as it does deeply for women, until we have to choose between ourselves, or the friendship. And then the performance of misdirection. When you're in your body, and misaligned with money-over-everything--specifically the ways it extracts more than it provides--this never feels like a choice as much as it does a conclusion.
2026 has been a long ass year, and the grief of friendship loss for women deserves it's own container.
With love,
your sensitive and neurodivergent reader.
Jennifer,
Yes. Yes. Conclusion is exactly the word. That moment where you realise you’re no longer choosing, negotiating, or weighing things up, you’re simply recognising what has already become untenable.
And you’re right about misdirection. It’s not just external performance, it’s the bodily dissonance of being asked to stand inside something that keeps extracting while insisting it’s mutual. That’s why it doesn’t feel like drama or betrayal when it ends. It feels like 'gravity' doing its job.
The grief piece matters too. We don’t have many containers for friendship loss that isn’t explained away as “growth” or “people change.” Especially for neurodivergent women, where alignment isn’t a preference but a requirement for safety. I so understand.
Thank you for saying all this so tenderly and for reading with your whole body.
With lmuch ove,
Danusia
So sad when this happens. I knew a woman quite well back in the days of Blogger blogs that I had a similar relationship with. I'm not very good at holding back the truth of my life (though I do have boundaries on how much I'll share) so if I'm having a bad time of it, I'll say it. This person, however, was a funny, clever woman who fell into the influencer trap of presenting a perfect life to the world. Behind the scenes she was moaning about the way her husband never helped out around the house, their finances were a mess, she was angry and a bit of a potty mouth. To the world she was the perfect woman living the perfect life. I couldn't sustain it. To use Love Island speak, the whole thing gave me the ick.
Charlotte, what strikes me in what you’re saying isn’t the “perfect life” part, it’s the sheer labour of translation you were being asked to do!
You were relating to the real woman, while also being asked (implicitly) to tolerate a public version that required editing her anger, her mess, and her financial stress into something palatable. That gap isn’t neutral is it? Someone has to hold it and metabolise it. And often it’s the friend who knows the truth. Huh.
The ick makes total sense. Simply as self-protection. A body saying: I can’t keep carrying this split for both of us.
I think a lot of women back away at that point not one bit because they lack care or love or generosity but because they’ve given way too much of it all already.
Love that you're here btw. Thank you x
Oh yes this is so familiar in today's world of hiding all our problems but presenting a perfect image online. It isn't healthy. I've also had the experience of my words being presented online as other people's wisdom. I'm not surprised you stepped away from your friends, it was better for you.
This maybe explains why I did not get on well with commercial social media- I presented myself warts and all, and people did not like it. As a result I don't have many friends because people can't cope with all the different sides of me.
Catherine, thank you for saying this so honestly.
I’m really sorry you’ve had that experience — being whole shouldn’t cost you connection. There’s something very lonely about realising that “warts and all” is only welcome up to a point, and that people retreat when the picture isn’t tidy.
I hear the tenderness in what you wrote. I’m so grateful you said it here. Sending you love.
Thank you, it has happened to me a lot when people don't want to know about my problems and they run for the hills when I speak up.
However, NON commercial social media is totally different. I am on Mastodon, part of the Fediverse, and it's like another happier, friendlier world. If you haven't investigated the Fediverse, please do :)
I'n so grateful for your direction to investigate the Fediverse! 🙏🏻
I rhink what you describe is a form of coercion, Danusia. Friendships are above all honest and survive honesty, often become stronger though that is never guaranteed. The coercion is very subtle. You are expected to promote their positive perfection. A curated life. Yet you are expected to absorb also some of their pain and suffering in their real life without recognotiion of how living their dual life damages you. Sadly such people do not realise how much destruction lies ahead in their own life, with further collateral.damage assured, as their two lives collide and implode. You deserve better and are absolutely right to step away gently but firmly.
Thank you, Mel I really appreciate the way you named the subtle coercion in what I described.
I agree with you, and I also want to widen the frame slightly. This isn’t about individual dishonesty or personal failure. For many women, especially those earning online, a split between public presentation and private reality has become normalised, even joked about, as the price of making money.
What I’m trying to name isn’t moral wrongdoing, but the cost of that split when it lands inside friendship. Friends are often asked to absorb the pain, hold the contradictions, and stay silent so the public story can continue intact. Over time, that fracture doesn’t just damage the person performing — it damages the relationships around them too.
And it’s not limited to adults. Children are increasingly asked to participate in these public versions of family life as well, which brings its own toll.
I experienced a version of this myself beyond friendship. A while back, I was asked to stage a photograph of myself and my children around a boardroom table (my day job environment) for a commissioned exhibition about working mothers. It was prestigious, well-intentioned, and publicly validating and it asked my children to present versions of themselves that didn’t feel natural to all of them. The pressure that ask placed on them stuck with me, and it forced me to consider what it means to ask others to help hold a public narrative together.
So yes there is coercion in different forms. But it’s systemic as much as personal, and that’s the part I wanted to surface.
Thank you for reading so carefully. I’m grateful you’re here.